Wide Awake
by AlwaysCastle
Summary: What happens when you wake up and the best part of you is missing, worse yet, you never knew it existed? As Kate battles with the reality of day to day life and the beautiful fiction presented in her dreams, how will she ever truly know if she is...Wide Awake?
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter One**_

She could see him through the soft ripple, a barely there movement at the surface. His forehead appeared first, the skin wrinkled as wary eyes came into view, followed by his nose, and then mouth that was set in a parted slit.

And she merely watched him, there, as if her own body was frozen in time amongst the murky depths in which she laid. She didn't hurt here. She was soothed beyond all belief and she hadn't known it was possible.

She blinked once, eyelashes causing the tiniest of upsets, and she watched as he moved a bit closer, jolted even. As if into action, but he didn't do more than kneel beside her.

"Kate." He spoke to her, but she couldn't hear him.

She was lost in a peaceful place with no sound and no disturbances of heartache and pain too physical to comprehend. But staring out at him now, seeing the concern etched across his face as she laid lifeless, Kate knew that he could help her escape all of those things.

"Kate?" He asked this time and his voice carried in a vibration along the surface, dipping under and floating to her ears.

She blinked again, let the corners of her lips curl up, all the while releasing a bubble that rolled and manifested till it broke free at the top. It was her life source, and upon seeing it, he smiled, and reached out his hand.

Kate shook her head, ripples and tides forming all around her, and then she lifted, effortlessly with both hands clutched at either edge.

She emerged from the inner waves, rejuvenated and warm. The steam rising from her sparkling wet skin as she sat upright and pushed the water from her eyes, up and over her hair until it trickled down her back.

With a small seductive ease of her lips, Kate looped her wet fingers around the hair at that nape of his neck and guided him down to her. He chuckled, taking her dripping hand into both of his, kissing her knuckles before standing and letting her go. She sunk back into the water, watching as he removed his clothes and then she slid over as he stepped in.

Kate crawled along the giant tub when he settled, her mouth pressing kisses to his chest, and then his jaw until she turned and rested her back against him..

"Mmm." She hummed, relaxing into him completely.

He kissed her shoulder, moving her saturated hair out of the way, and sucking on her pulse. She closed her eyes, letting her head fall back onto his shoulder, and wrapped her arm around his head, turning her face to watch as he slowly caressed her damp skin. Fingers following the droplets as they sped down her arm.

"What are you going to do now?" He asked, kissing and licking at her skin. Tasting the expanse of flesh before him.

She turned hearing the water around them lap at her and the sides of the tub. "Live." She replied leaning in for a kiss. Wanting to feel his life, body and soul as he met her greedily.

She smiled into his mouth, nibbling his lip and steadily started to lean back, pulling him with her under the surface of water. Her eyes closed, and she gave herself over, melting into him, into the warmth around her and completely losing herself.

When she felt the stress, and strain of her muscles finally relax, that epiphanal ease of her soul. She was jolted out of her sanctuary.

She couldn't breath.

Kate panicked, gasping for air, her nose clamped shut as water entered her lungs. She gripped the side of the tub, trying to pull herself out of the water.

But she was held down.

Pushed into the murky depths that had once held her salvation from the constant ache, and had now turned into a endless abyss of suffering unbearable pain.

Water lapped treacherously around her, spilling over the sides and sending her body into a stormy wave of struggle. A tsunami of turmoil, Poseidon himself had thrown her into and she couldn't escape from it.

No matter how hard she tried she sunk deeper and deeper, held down by the force of her failure, that tiny voice in the back of her mind that told her it was no use, give up.

She couldn't scream for help, for her lungs were burning, and she was choking. All she got out was a gurgle, bubbles of air stealing from her body and bursting around her instead of setting her free.

The life she had sworn to finally live, strangled out of her until she couldn't do it anymore. Kate fought with everything she had, but it didn't seem to be enough, and so she let her body go lax.

Drift or sink, or drain away, and her eyes opened, forest green drowning in the raging tide above her.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter two**_

Alexander sighed and stood from his desk. The wheels of his chair squeaking as he slowly push backwards before he eased out of it. He strode across the carpet, hands locked behind his back, and stopped just as the light from the window sprang onto his face.

His office was his domain. And he used it as his own personal place of sanctity. No one could touch him here. The space behind him, as he watched out his large windows aligning one wall, was still and quiet for once.

He could bask in it as his own eyes blinked back at him, a soft reflection in the glass, faint and transparent as if he was a ghost.

Walking amongst the people unnoticed.

He straightened his broad shoulders, stepping closer to the window until he could faintly see his reflection emerge, tall and lean. His salt and pepper hair, mostly pepper, along with the lines of his face were not as visible here. The wrinkles smoothed away making him appear a much younger version of himself beyond the looking glass.

Age is a frame of mind, he had always told himself.

Those lines, and wrinkles, told the story of how he lived.

He had done a lot of things in his life. Things that may have been considered selfish, or questionable. But standing here now with his arms crossed over his chest, he let himself relax. For he knew the things he had to do were for the greater good.

Everything he did was for a deeper purpose. And he felt right about it as he sagged his shoulders and rubbed at the scruff along his jaw before looking over the expanse of the city.

The entirety of it at the tips of his fingers.

He felt as though he was truly keeping an eye on it from here. High above the citizens below, the silent watcher of their lives as they obliviously went about it.

It was a calm day, from what he could see. His eyes scanning the skies, the clouds forming in puffs at one corner of the city. The pure white making them harmless, and merely objects of shelter from the blaring sun. Every now and then one would slowly glide over it, casting the city in mild shadow.

As the sun broke free, his eyes, cool and blue, rested upon the 12th precinct. Standing a little crestfallen. Absent of their most prized detective. What will they do now? He wonders as his face darkened, the corners of his mouth turning into a small frown. He's not naive to her success rate. The value she holds among her peers, and superiors. It's her tenacity that makes her great. But it also makes her foolish.

Some even say it will be her downfall.

But he does not believe this.

He made sure she was not alone in her endeavor. Whether she pursues it or not. It's the people who stand beside us in our triumphs, our defeat, and even those moments when we are merely at a standstill, that make the difference, more worthwhile.

With great responsibility, comes even greater sacrifice. He's all too familiar with that concept. With a sudden tense of his jaw, Alexander turns his head, his gaze now falling upon the looming building, of Black Pawn Publishing.

He lets his arms drop to his sides, his boney fingers scratching along the thin windowsill. Some things are meant to be left alone. Some people are meant to go their own separate ways, despite how much we may want to stay, fight for them.

It's knowing which battles to wage, and which ones to forfeit that is not always certain.

And how _do _ we know? Is there some sort of sign that tells us which ones to give up, and which ones we continue on fighting till the end, or maybe it's just until we cannot do it anymore.

Standing here now… Alexander almost wished he was in he dark for this particular battle. Wonders if things would be better or worse if he hadn't meddled, had just turned a bind eye, and walked away. But he'd been walking away from this for a long time. Running away from the one thing that should have meant more to him than his job, and the security.

Have things turned out for the better? Maybe in some aspects. But this…. No _this_... He needed to step in and fix. He owed it.

A knock at the door startled him from his deep pondering. But he doesn't bother turning from the window as his secretary pops her head in the room.

"Sir?" She asked, her voice small and yet urgent.

Alexander turned then, hearing the strain in her voice to see her clutching at the doorframe with white knuckles, "What is it, Annabelle?" He asked gently, trying to soothe the frightened girl.

She stepped around the door, pushing her red hair that fell from her loose bun away from her wide blue eyes, frightened and uncertain. "Kate Beckett is in the hospital."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Three**_

His hand gripped her gently, his thumbs soothing at the dips under her ribs. Back and forth, back and forth in a rhythmic, lullaby of sensation. Relaxing, and her eyes closed, a soft hum escaping her lips.

"So I was thinking." He said, settling down beside her. He was level with her stomach, the sweet expanse of her smooth flesh at his disposal, and he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to her navel.

She said nothing, trying to keep still under his touch. But her skin was quivering, pleasant chills running up and down the length of her body. It wasn't enough, she needed more, and let him know, feeding her hand into his soft hair.

"What if..." He kissed her again, moving up her ribs, "the killer was..." He paused only for a moment, and her eyes opened to see that furrow in his brow deep in thought before one popped up, he had an idea and a smile creased those lips of his,"it would make sense of the songs..." He trailed off, poking her side and kissing the space just below her breast.

Kate's hand tightened at his scalp, rough, but he didn't seem to notice, only quickened his progress. Touching tenderly at her body as she lay still.

But _something _was happening.

The pain was seeping back in, each touch mirrored by a sharp pain instead of the soft caress, a searing ache as her face twisted in agony.

But he didn't stop, as he continued to lavish her with love, talking about the case, she didn't understand. Too distracted by the pain he was causing instead of good. Kate stiffened beneath him, her eyes wide and terrified as she looked upon herself.

She was confused by the lying touch of his fingers, as he so gently slid his hand up her chest. And he let out a small gasp, eyes wide and in awe of something she could not see.

But she could feel it when he kissed her.

His lips, warm and attentive to her body, were not met with the smooth plane of her skin, nor the gentle dip between her breasts that ran unmarred. But flitted over puckered, ugly flesh.

Kate gripped at the sheets, her teeth sinking painfully into her lip as her face turned away. Tears stole from her eyes, scrunched so tight they began to burn, and she wanted to turn away from him, hide herself from him. But he only continued to worship her as if she wasn't riddled with scars, damaged beyond repair.

And just when she thought maybe she could accept it, the way he seemed to not even care, Kate woke.

Her green eyes searched wildly in the dark, chest heavy, skin moist with sweat as she tried to calm herself. She could hear her own hysteria, that rasp and whine as the air struggled to get into her lungs. But then her eyes caught something.

A flash of blue.

And her heart panged in her chest. Kate reached out a hand, but the moment she had seen it, it was gone, and she was alone lying in the darkness.

She was fading in and out. That pull and push of consciousness, when she'd rather just lay there. Sleep. If it meant she didn't have to feel the pain, and the dull ache in her heart she didn't understand, Kate would stay like this forever.

Her heart was broken. Shattered into a million pieces and she didn't know why. It wasn't just the bullet sized hole in her chest that caused this unbearable pain, but the metaphorical loss of something so undefined, and yet so dear to her soul.

When she had finally woken once again, she found she was not alone in her room. The reassuring presence of Lanie, was asleep at her bedside, arms folded on the side of the bed, face turned towards the door that stood ajar.

Kate shifted slightly. Cringing at the stiffness in her bones, the pressure on her chest as she tried to sit up. But her heart started thudding quickly, the small movement causing more of a disturbance then it should.

She sighed, frustrated air growling from her chapped lips, and she fell back against her pillow. Kate had never felt so weak in her life. Body and mind. Like she had fallen so far into this deep dark place, and she didn't know how to get out, or how to even start. And at the moment it didn't matter how many drugs she took, or sessions of physical therapy.

She was less than who she was.

Lanie moved, her head lifting from the bed as her fist rubbed at her eye. She yawned eyes closing and she stretched out like a cat, as if she was the only other person in the room. Kate cleared her throat, and lanie paused, arms still extended, and popped one eye open.

"Kate!" She exclaimed, dropping her arms and scooting closer to the bed, hand falling to Kate's hair. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got shot, and then drowned in a bathtub." Kate replied, looking away from Lanie, ashamed of herself. She played with the tube on her hand, "What happened?" She then asked, as Lanie took her hand from her hair, feeding one last strand before she settled it into her lap.

Lanie looked away this time, wringing her hands, "You took too many pain meds...slipped when you were getting out of the tub."

Kate shook her head, not believing it. "Where's my dad?" She asked, swallowing the lump in her throat, trying to hold back the tears.

No.. no she wouldn't do that...

Lanie held her hand, "He's in the cafeteria."

Kate let her eyes rest on the concerned M.E. "Is he okay?"

"A bit shaken.. he said.. he said you kept asking for Castle..."

Kate frowns, the crease between her eyes deepening, and then she remembers that flash of blue, and her heart leaps once more.

Her friend squeezes her hand, trying to get her attention. She tilted her head to one side, utter confusion written all over her face, "Sweetie...Who's Castle?"


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter Four**_

"Code blue!" Nurses and doctors shouted all around him.

But he stood calm.

A cup of coffee, steamy in his hand. The aroma of the liquid within doing nothing to wake his senses. Not even the buzz of the hospital which was a blur of blue scrubs, muffled sounds as their paper booties stamped about, monitors beeping and flat-lining.

Phones rang off the hooks and were ignored as a patient from the ER was rushed out of an elevator. Doctors were being called for over intercoms, and various beepers went off at once. Someone even slipped on a puddle of blood spurting from the ER patient, and caught themselves on the nurses station in front of him.

He barely even blinked.

Face stoic when a gurney nearly ran over his feet in a mad rush. He didn't seem to care, for his eyes were on her room. The only place untouched by the myriad of emergencies as the patient in the next room coded once again.

She was in her own little bubble, battling her own maelstrom.

And he watched with curiosity.

He'd been awake all night, keeping vigil by her door. At one point, he even ventured inside, standing at the far wall as she slept, dreamed of things that furrowed his brow.

And then she said his name.

A quiet whisper, and then a moan as she shifted in slumber. Her face twisting in pain and he wanted to help her.

Take all the pain away.

But he couldn't.

With his sharp blue eyes fixed on her, seeing the way she pushed her hair back behind her ear, refused to meet her friends questioning gaze...He could understand that need, that feeling deep inside him that told him: protect her, watch over her.

She had this magnetism about her.

Kate Beckett was captivating even when she was a mess. Damaged goods.

But maybe that was the allure. The idea that even in this, she could still rise above.

He was drawn to her obvious strength. Her appetite for justice, for they shared the same goal. He wasn't quite sure what drew him in more, maybe it was the darkness. The tragedy for which she so willingly stood, whether she knew it or not.

She was stubborn, and gifted. She had the right amount of empathy, and despite how she hid it away, compartmentalizing and refusing to let anyone else in, he knew her heart.

Maybe not completely, that wasn't his intentions.

And he couldn't let himself dwell on the hole he had caused.

To him...or at least what he tried to convince himself of, as he saw the Medical Examiner remove herself from Kate's bedside; was that, the matters of the heart, however fragile and dear to us they may be, meant nothing if we weren't _living _.

He took a sip from his cup, the liquid now lukewarm, and kept eye contact with Lanie Parish as she glared at him and strode over. Even _he _felt skittish in her presence, and tried not to shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

Her demeanor did not change when she stopped in front of him, her arms crossing over her chest as she briefly looked over her shoulder. Checking up on her friend, making sure she was completely oblivious to this meeting.

"She's asking about him." The sassy woman bit out, resisting the urge to put her hands on her hips.

"I know." He said, over the rim as he took another sip. He licked his lips as he swallowed and looked upon her with an air of confidence, drawing it from the cup, as if it was liquid courage.

Her eyebrow raised, that slight irritated tilt of her head as she fixed her jaw, "Are you going to do something about it?" And although her hand did finally plant itself on one hip, her eyes betrayed her.

"It's a matter of experimentation." He replied, stepping around her and staring through the large window of Kate's room. "It's a matter of dosage."

Lanie snorted, brow furrowed so deep her eyes formed into vicious slits. "Trial and error, right?" She asked, pulling on his arm until he was looking down at her.

He nodded, turning back to see Kate, her face contorted in confusion, her mind trying to work out everything. She saw him last night, took him for somebody else. "Curious." He murmured.

"What?" Lanie asked. Her gaze now falling on her friend once more, her face softening as she watched Kate, and then hating herself for this.

"The brain is an interesting place, Dr. Parish." He finally said, setting his now untouched coffee on the nurses station. "Her's is refusing to cooperate."

"That's my girl." Lanie whispered, not bothering to look his way as he started down the hallway.

"Lets see how much she can take."

Lanie's eyes widened, "No.. you can't." She protested.

He stopped as he got to the elevator, one hand up to silence her. "Up the dosage." He said, just as the elevator dinged.

"Ale-" But he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter Five**_

She had never been more aware of her heartbeat in her entire life.

That rhythmic thud against the wall of her chest. Kate lifted her hand, fingers falling light over her skin as she felt the incessant pounding, every clench and release, the blood pumping, flowing through every inch of her heart.

They said it was normal.

But it felt so _different_.

Like her heart was hanging by a thread. This pendulum swinging towards an unknown fate, back and forth, sending her body into a flutter, and a panic all at the same time.

And yet, it seemed to sing to her.

A rhythm so familiar, but she could not place it. She tried, her hand skimming over her chest, feeling the pulse against her palm. But the longer she laid there, listening to the thrum of her own heart, the more confused she became.

Who was Castle? She wondered, pressing the puckered flesh of her scar. Her wound that she knew would not heal gracefully.

Castle..._Castle..._

Kate felt like she knew him... this...man with sharp blue eyes. Who was all knowing in the workings of her heart...her soul...

But even now, as she tried to grasp at him, he was slipping away. Like a ghost of her past...or present...

Distant future?

_Maybe _he never existed...just a figment of her imagination.

Her dreams... wishes...desires...

She shook her head, pushing her other hand into her hair, clutching at her scalp, and then she pulled back immediately. She frowned, mouth opening in a small O shape before she bent her neck, hair falling around her.

Feeding her hand into her hair again, she let her fingers feel around, probing at her skull until she found it again. Tender flesh, and she winced, going back in to investigate. A thin line, no longer than a sewing needle and recent...but _how _recent?

A knock came to her door, and Kate snapped her head up, to then close her eyes, warding off the growing dizziness.

Lanie gave her an apologetic look, shutting the door against the ruckus of the nurses station before turning back to her. "Sorry." She added, setting two cups onto a tray and pushing it in front of her.

"What's this?" Kate asked, pressing her fingers at her injury again.

Lanie looked down, fiddling with the tray. "Oh, you uh, cut your head on the side of the tub when you fell. Few stitches is all."

"Oh." Kate said, dropping her hand to the sheets. "Do I get to go home, now?" Kate then asked, voice so full of hope, Lanie looked back up at her with sad eyes.

But she gave Kate a nod and a pursed lip smile, "Just take these and you can be discharged." Lanie said, averting her eyes from the contents of the cups.

Kate reached hastily for them, taking one and tipping the pills into her hand and then grabbing for the water. She paused before she popped them into her mouth.

"What's the matter?" She asked in alarm, catching a horrified expression that flitted across Lanie's face.

"N- nothing, sweetie...I just wish you didn't have to take them." She said somberly, "I hate seeing you in so much pain..."

Kate opened her mouth as if to say something. But she didn't have anything.

No words could soothe her friend. No amount of sympathy and reassurance could fix the damage that had been done. Popping the pills into her mouth, bouncing them along her tongue, Kate knew, that from this day onward, no one would ever look at her the same.

She didn't feel like _Beckett _ anymore. Fierce unstoppable detective of the NYPD. She was barely even _Kate_. Not a _Katie _either, as her dad entered the room, showering her with worried looks and a kiss on the cheek as he took up at her bedside.

She didn't know who she was.

And she certainly wasn't any of the things her friends and father once made her out to be. But she could go on pretending, at least for their sake.

"Ready to go sweetheart?" Her father asked as she tipped back her head and downed the contents of the last cup.

Kate felt the pills go down, scraping at the lining in her throat. This is what she's been reduced to. Popping pills to help get rid of the pain. But what about the other pain? The one pressing on her soul, making it almost impossible to breathe.

Who can fix that?

"Yea..." She nodded, swallowing and licking her chapped lips. "Yes.. I would like to go _home_."

Jim looked uncomfortably at Lanie, who could only shrug her shoulders. "I.. I don't thin-"

"I want to go home, dad...please...just let me go home." She couldn't even muster an appropriate glare in their direction. She was too tired.. her body refusing to act out the obvious stubborn frustration she was feeling.

"Let me check with the doctor." Lanie spoke up, resting a hand on Jim's shoulder before leaving the room.

"I'll be fine." Kate said when the door closed, "I need... I need to be alone for a while."

Her father nodded gravely, looking down at her hand which she had extended. "You call me everyday, okay?" He begged of her, taking her hand and squeezing it.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Of course." She squeezed back, hiding how much relief she was actually feeling. She couldn't go back to the cabin...

"You can go home." Lanie poked her head in. "Let me get a wheelchair."

Kate sighed and allowed her father to help her out of bed.

* * *

Thunder rumbled all around her. She could feel it, like a vibration through her body as the lightning lit up her apartment. Lanie had driven her home, and somehow Kate had miraculously convinced her to let her venture up to her place on her own.

But even as she shut the door, falling against it a little out of breath, Kate felt guilty for ignoring the sad, concerned look in her friend's eyes as she got into the elevator.

Another flash, followed by thunder and she welcomed it, used the boom and crash to drown out her thoughts. She followed the iridescent blue that lit a path for her, not bothering to turn on her lights as she made it to her bedroom.

Kate leaned against her dresser, hand to her erratically beating heart, and gave herself a moment before opening her drawers. She ached all over as she pulled out a tank-top and shorts, easing onto her bed as she slowly removed the clothes her father packed her, and pulled on her new ones. She gritted her teeth at how difficult it was, something that should be so easy and wouldn't normally need so much effort.

Finally dressed, she made her way to the kitchen, turning on the small light over the stove, and setting the kettle on for tea.

She was finally alone.

Kate stood, one hand on her hip, the other at her mouth, and looked around. It felt different here. She didn't know why. Less safe, like.. she didn't belong here, or something was moved, changed around...but as far as she knew...she left everything as it was before...

But her brain was foggy, Kate could feel something pricking at the edges of her memory, or maybe it was nothing. Just the knew medication taking effect. Lanie told her that they had changed her prescription so things like the tub incident wouldn't happen again..

Yes... that's it... just her medication, she'll get her tea, sit down, relax.. and let it do it's magic.. she'll get used to it...

Lightning flashed, a low rumble in the distance, and her eye caught on her window. The curtain blowing wildly in the raging stormy wind. Her hands drop, and she walked over curiously, pushing the now damp material aside and lifting her arms to shut the window...

Why was it open?

But just as she started to pull it down, she saw it... what was it?

A figure down on the street, the sky lighting up with brilliant blue, and enhancing a lone person...

A man?

Down on the sidewalk outside her apartment. But just as she laid her eyes fully on him, a fleeting moment where she wonders _is she being watched_... is that...no...can't be...the sky darkened.

And he was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter Six**_

We are all just souls wandering around looking for a purpose.

But he had lost his.

And he just kept walking, trying to figure it out.

He didn't quite know where he was going, only that he needed to be moving, get out of that place, that room where he'd spent a better part of two months locked away. It didn't do him any good. And it only seemed to hurt those around him.

So here he was, rain slithering down his face, blinding him as it cascaded from his hair, curving along his nose, and dripping down down, to be lost somewhere at his feet.

He was drowning in it.

It made him feel like he was suffocating, and he took in as many ragged breaths as he could.

But every inhale, broken exhale, burned with the effort.

Overwhelmed by the acidic stench forever fused to the inside of his nose. It reminded him too much of those crimes scenes he would never walk again. Never to duck under that yellow tape, two coffees in hand, watching as she reached for hers, that smile upon her face that warmed his heart.

But his heart was cold.

Empty as he seemingly ignored the thunder and lightning flashes around him.

With his head bent low, face in a permanent fit of despair, he trudged through the streets of New York. Rain beating down on him, wind threatening to carry him away. He was oblivious to the rain that had saturated straight to his skin. His clothes clung to every part of him, gripping and tightening as he continued onward.

He sighed. Heavy and more rain, or was it tears, streamed down his face.

She was released from the Hospital today. Slipped in the tub... and he had frowned at the thought of it. And he closed his eyes at the flash of painful memories. Brought back to that first day, the last time he wasn't allowed to see her.

He stood a few feet from her door, right after her surgery. Flowers In his hands, and they turned him away. They told him then, there in that deserted corridor, that she wouldn't know who he was anyway. They had done it without letting him say his last goodbye.

It had died on his tongue, forced back into his mouth.

And just like that. He was nobody in her eyes.

Not even a figment of her imagination.

There was no past to look back on as far as she was concerned.

No present.

Definitely no distant future.

He had no dreams, or wishes to carry him through. They always lead him straight to her. But... she was just another person. Another body walking these streets, protecting the city has she always had before.

And who was he?

He wasn't even a writer. Forced to discontinue the Nikki Heat series. Because there _was_  
no Nikki Heat.

To him, nothing mattered anymore. Everything he had done, everything he had worked so hard to achieve, had been wiped clean.

It never happened...

He never wormed his way into her life, she never trusted him...never heard him say he loved her.

Because he _does _love her.

Always.

But...

What was the point?

He wanted to yell into the sky, scream his lungs into the thundering clouds above him. But he had hardly any fight left in him. Folding in on himself against the storm, he knew he had lost the will to move on.

Because he _couldn't _forget.

Every flash of memory he called upon, was nothing but a blank page to her. An open book she could start over without her realizing why she had to.

It was the only way, they said. They tried to convince him she was much safer this way...He couldn't protect her, not if she couldn't even protect herself.

And now...He could go on with his life as he did before.

Only thing is... he wasn't really living it. He was just coasting through life on a fake persona and no real ambition. Fame only got him so far. It kept him comfortable, but it didn't satisfy his heart.

Life was menial.

As the rain continued to assault him. Pelt at his sagged shoulders and defeated form, for just a fleeting moment... He wished he could forget. If it meant taking away this unbearable pain in his chest, this knife to his soul.

He'd do it.

Richard Castle, would wipe Kate Beckett, the keeper of his whole heart, clean from his memories.

Because then, he would have no idea what he was missing. Her beautiful face would never appear in his mind, he wouldn't hear her laugh, feel her hand on his, see that smile.

All those things that plague him every night and day.

But as he finally stopped, succumbing to the raging storm around him. He knew he could never bring himself to do it. It would be a lie.

_The heart wants what the heart wants._

He thought, when he looked up at where it had carried him. And as a flash of brilliant blue lit up the sky, and the building in front of him. He stood firm, his sullen eyes peering up into her window.

No.

He would live with his sacrifice.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter Seven**_

**Five Months Previously**

* * *

She stood in the kitchen, eyes darting warily towards his door, hearing the clacking of keys, and bent forwards, hand cupping around the receiver as she listened. She waited, heart in her throat, leaning against the counter, then pushing off, walking the length of the island and back again.

And then her heart leaped, a fluttery rise and her eyes shone with an ache she hadn't let herself feel in ages.

His deep, calming voice percolated through to her ear. A soft, yet low tone that showed no hint of the small excitement she had in talking with him. And it helped to dampen her mood, set her straight to business.

"So...He's looking further into it isn't he?" He inquired with a tone that clearly said he was not surprised.

She sagged against the table, not knowing when she got there, and fell into a chair. Her eyes rested on the study door and stayed there as she answered. "Alexander...what do we do?"

"I've been in contact with Jim Beckett." He replied without pause.

She gasped, free hand covering her mouth. "Don't you think this is a little extreme?" She rasped, voice rising in pitch, but she muffled it with a purse of her lips, closing her eyes for a moment.

He sighed, as if in mild defeat, and gave her a moment to collect herself. "Martha, my lo-"

"We need more time..." She cut him off, that ache for him, his voice, and loving endearments returning. She thought she could do this... she _can_... he just...he _can't _be his charming self...

"I don't think I can." He replied honestly.

"Please...just give us more time... try to convince them both it's not worth it." She begged, standing from the table, seeing Rick shuffling around in his office through the crack in the door.

Alexander took in a heavy sigh, she could imagine him pushing his hand into his hair like her son does, and then dragging it over his face. "You have a month. _One._Month. To turn this around. To get her to stop looking into her mother's case..." He paused for only a moment, and then his voice rose with a bit of excitement. "Use him. Use him to do it."

Martha shook her head, turning away from the door as Rick appeared through the crack. "I can't do that ... it's too much to ask of him."

"Then don't _ask _him. Use your charms Martha, You have a way with words...manipulate the situation... You say he's in love with her?"

Martha said nothing, schooling her features and waving Rick off as he stepped out of the study. "Very much so." She replied.

"That's your key." He said, and the line went dead.

"Alright dear, see you soon." Martha said into the dial tone, and hung up.

"Who was that?" Rick asked opening the fridge with one hand, and feeding his hand into his hair with the other.

Martha twirled the phone in the air. "Oh you know...one of my theater students, having a bit of trouble, So I offered a private lesson." She lied. Lied straight through her teeth and hated how good she was at it.

"Oh." Rick said with a smile, pouring himself a glass of water, and kissing her on the cheek before returning to his study.

She waited for the door to close, before sinking into the nearest chair, and covering her face with her hands.

* * *

"No! Please don't do this!" Martha yelled, trying to force her way into the operating room. But she was held back. Too blind to see who it was and fought them the whole way until she was literally picked up from the floor and brought into another area of the hospital.

"It _has _to be done." He said, setting her down in an empty on call room, holding her by the shoulders until she stopped.

She looked up at him with fierce eyes, her red hair all disheveled. "There must be another way!"

"No." He said, standing firm. "There isn't. You and I both know she won't stop until she's dead. And he will carry on after until this thing gets him killed as well. It's not his fight!"

"It's not yours either!" She shouted back, tossing her hands into the air and pushing him off her.

His jaw tensed, and he looked away from her. "He's my son.. it's my duty to protect him."

"By breaking his heart? By taking from him the one person he has ever _truly _loved?"

"He'll live." He said, opening the door and slamming it behind him.

* * *

Rick was stunned. Stumbling back and nearly catching himself on the wall behind him. Martha stood beside him, hand on his back rubbing small circles as he leaned forward as if he was about to be sick.

"What...what did you do?" He seethed, trying to stand upright.

The Doctor looked over at Martha, somehow unsure how to proceed, but she only glared at her. "Are you familiar with the workings of selective memory, Mr. Castle?"

He stared at the woman, not much older than himself, hair graying in various areas from what he could see peeking from her scrub cap. His heart jolted with the question, and he frowned deeply. Not understanding but realizing...this...this is not going to be in his or Kate's favor.

Why on earth would a brain surgeon be talking to him right now if the problem was in her heart?

"Yes...but why?"

She ignored him. "Then you understand the workings of the brain, how it sometimes chooses particular events in our lives, to _forget._"

"Forget? Forget! What happened, what has she lost?" His voice was rising, and his stomach was flipping, dizziness taking over as he started coming to realize that something had gone terribly wrong.

"You." She said.

His eyes grew wide, that jolt entering his chest once more, but it did not leave, throbbed on the edges, piercing him as he breathed. "Me?... You said _event_. How can she forget a whole person?"

"With help."

"With..." He pushed away from his mother who stood tear stained in the middle of the hallway as he paced, hand in his hair and then stopped, pointing a vicious finger at the Doctor. "What did you _do_!"

The doctor looked at Martha once again, who only shook her head slightly, "We.. I was asked to select a specific memory..." Her mind was telling her to talk like a surgeon give him all the procedural details. How she had to slide a probe into Kate Beckett's Temporal lobe, into the hippocampus, and... "You..." She finally said. " When she wakes up... she'll remember everything up to her shooting. Every last detail.. except for-"

"Me." He stated, before doubling over, and throwing up.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter Eight**_

Kate woke up the next day disorientated. Her chest felt tight, her vision blurry, and her mind oddly blank as she sat up on the couch. She swore she got into bed...but apparently, she passed out on the couch, still holding her tea, because when she went to stand up, she kicked the mug that had split on the floor under the coffee table.

She stared at it, how the tan liquid shimmered in the dim light of her apartment. It had seeped through the area rug, staining it darker, expanding outward like a bloodstain.

Her eyes clamped shut, nostrils flaring, and she breathed in and out slowly...she's okay.. she'll be okay...

But that all too familiar rapid thud, beat soundly against her ribcage. She could feel her skin as it pulsed, clammy and damp from her sleep. Dreams she could not remember.

Everything was blank...

With a sigh, she sat back down, pushing her hand into her hair, fingers catching in the knots, and fell against the cushions. Her eyes slid closed, and she could feel them quivering. Eyelashes tickling at the bags under her eyes.

When she opened them again, hand still in her hair, she looked around. Her deep green eyes taking stock of everything around her. Her own apartment seemed dull, lifeless as she stared at the walls, eyes darting to her personal belongings as if they weren't hers.

The place felt empty...And she heard nothing aside from the cars down below, the city buzzing with life as it always would. sitting up a little, she could see the sun peaking through the curtain.

The storm was over.

At least for now, because when she got up, shuffling carefully to the window, she could still see a mass of dark clouds at one corner of the city.

_Storm season_. She thought cracking the window open, and then a jolt entered and exited her chest. She frowned, hand resting to her heart, and bit down on her lip.

Kate stood quite a while, wondering what was that?...Her thoughts escalating to what time it was... what day... month... she felt as if she had lost it all. The last few months, maybe even years.

Her phone rang, and she nearly leaped out of her skin. She felt her heart hammering against her palm, and closed her eyes, a headache forming, trying to ignore her phone. But when it silenced, it only started up again. She sighed, dropping her hand and walking across the living room, swiping her phone from the coffee table.

"He..hello?" She asked, clearing her dry throat.

"Katherine Beckett?" A soft female voice filtered through.

"Speaking." Kate replied, biting down on her nail as she checked the time. It was already mid afternoon.

"Yes, I am calling to let you know you missed your physical therapy this morning." The girl said, pausing for only a moment, "Is everything alright?" She asked sincerely.

Kate said nothing at first, staring at her watch, seeing the little second hand ticking around the face, but she shook it anyway.

"Ms. Beckett?"

"Yes.. sorry.. I overslept... think it's my new medication."

The girl was oddly quiet before she finally spoke again. "Would you like me to reschedule?"

"Yes please." Kate said without anything further, cringing as she bent to pick up the spilt tea mug. She made a tisk sound when she saw it had a chip in it, and pursed her lips.

"When would you like it?"

"Oh." Kate straightened, feeding her lip between her teeth. Her mind was utterly blank. She didn't even know the original time. or what times she would be available.. was she doing other things this week? Today.. what was she doing today?

The girl seemed to sense whatever it was Kate was going through. "We have an opening tomorrow morning at nine thirty. Would that be good for you?"

"Sure." Kate agreed without having a clue.

"See you tomorrow then, have a nice Day, Ms. Beckett." The girl said before hanging up.

* * *

Annabelle hung the phone slowly into the cradle, looking over to see alexander standing in the doorway. "How did she sound?" He asked the redhead.

The girl looked down at her hand, still gripping the phone, and finally let it go, slipping it into her lap. "Disorientated." She replied with as little conviction as she could/

"Good." He replied with a nod of his head pushing off from the door. "Means it's doing it's job this time."

As he closed his door behind him, Annabelle couldn't help but wish that it wouldn't

* * *

A moan escaped her mouth, long and drawn out as it echoed throughout her bathroom. Kate let a small smile crease her lips, letting her head fall back into the steady stream. Water so hot it was making her skin red, but she didn't care. It felt so good against her aching flesh.

It cascaded down around her, splashing off her, ricocheting in all directions as it pelted her skin, and then slithered down every inch of her body. Water raced down the sides of her shower, colliding and manifesting with each other, meeting at her feet and slipping into the drain.

She felt much better, at least more relaxed, less pain as her meds kicked in, but they still left her mind feeling fuzzy. She shrugged, wrapping her fingers around the faucet and turning it off.

At least she could function much better than this morning. She thought, as she stepped out of the shower, taking a soft white towel from the rack. And she felt more awake, not completely rejuvenated, but she'll take it. Anything was better than walking around her apartment like the undead.

And she was certainly alive. Kate thought, wiping a hand over the fogged up mirror, finally looking upon herself for the first time since she got home from the hospital. Not too bad, she surveyed herself, pressing at the skin under her eyes, not as black as she thought they would be, and then pulling a comb through her hair, freeing the knots.

She stood quite a while, just feeding her fingers through her hair, eyes zoning in and out as her mind sort of just... went quiet. When a bottle of shampoo fell, clattering to the floor, did she finally snap out of it. Hand stilling at the tips of her hair as she turned. She must have left it too close to the edge.

Maybe she's not as awake as she thought.

Coffee. Needs coffee.

Kate ran her towel through her hair, nodding at herself before going into her room to get dressed. She can get coffee at Remy's, and enjoy a nice walk while she's at it. Fresh air will help clear her mind.

* * *

She felt strange, walking the streets of New York.

She felt.. shorter... and less...something, but she wasn't quite sure what. But then again, she was wearing her sneakers, not her usual high heels. And sure she had been wearing them a while... but that was at the lake, her fathers Cabin. This was her City, her domain and she had once owned it with that sharp click of her heels. It had once put a pep in her step, given her that authority..

Now...

Kate walked with a small slouch, head held not as high, and barely made any noise at all as she continued down the sidewalk. She made a small sound of exasperation. Hair falling around her face, and she didn't bother tucking it back. She didn't want to be seen.. or noticed. Feeling as though she was still not herself.. less than who she was and she was certain she would never get over it.

Maybe when she got back to work...everything would go back to the way it should be. Right now.. she found herself bored.. doing menial and unimportant things with her day.

Except coffee.

That was very very important.

And she licked her lips in anticipation as she reached for the door to Remy's yanking it open with a little more force than she should have, and clumsily let it go pulling her arm back as the effort pulled at her wound.

"Ah." She hissed, standing there for a moment.

"Let me get that for you." A young girl offered.

Kate saw the hand go out and swiftly pull the door open for her. "Thank you." She said, unconsciously rubbing at her scar before going in first.

'Your welcome. Oh..Ka- it's no problem." The well.. young woman stammered when Kate finally got a look at her. She was pretty, a tall redhead, or more like strawberry blonde. Piercing blue eyes with an uneasy quirk of her lips as she looked upon Kate.

The crease formed between Kate's eyes as they both moved to the counter. "Do I know you?" She asked, nodding to the man behind it for her usual.

The redhead's eyes grew wide, and her nose wrinkled as she shook her head. "No.. I don't believe so." She said, looking away from Kate, lifting two fingers to a waitress and back at Kate. "No." She said again.

Kate almost wanted to laugh at how thorough this girl was being in not knowing her. Kate didn't even really want to know herself. "You just look familiar." Kate said reaching for her coffee as it was slid towards her.

The girl shrugged taking two cups from the counter and turning quickly. " Ta- have a nice day." The girl said, dropping off sadly before rushing out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

_****_**Sorry for the late post. I've been sick. Here you go!  
**

* * *

_**Chapter Nine**_

He waited, foot tapping on the sidewalk, arms crossing and uncrossing. Every now and then an expel of exasperated, impatient air would puff through his lips, hand wiping down his face. And then he would relent, let his back fall against the brick, and his weight sag into the building.

He wanted to do it himself... but as of three or so months ago... he couldn't bring himself to. What if he saw her...what if... by some miracle... she remembered him?

A hand came up and slapped him in the face.

_No Rick_.

Impossible.

She wont remember... She doesn't know one shred of him.

Dragging his hand back down, pulling at the darkened rings under his eyes, Castle peeked around to see the door opening and closing to Remy's. Just people milling about on this sunny day. Getting there own coffees like civilized people, and not cowards who hide in the shadows.

With a sigh, he reluctantly brought himself back against the building. Closing his eyes and resting his head on the brick, he tooks in a painful breath, hands fisting at his sides. He couldn't even enjoy coffee anymore. It wasn't worth it if he couldn't watch that smile spread across her face before she drank it.

He couldn't get that jitter in his skin as he rode the elevator, that flutter and excitable pang in his chest as the ding sang out like an echo in his heart. Doors opening, that proud walk to her desk, the quiet sound as he set it down in front of her. The way she would look up, eyes shining and lick her lips before she brought it to her mouth.

No.

Instead, as he would raise the cup to his lips, sitting alone in his office or watching Alexis as she puttered about in the loft, a dull ache would set in. The taste wasting away on his tongue, and he'd swallow it as if it was the most repulsing thing.

But he drank it anyway.

Because it was a piece of her. One _tiny _detail that he could hold onto even if it was merely a cup of coffee.

No.

It was more than that...to put it in the words of Castle, and dramatic...it was _more _than life itself at this point.

The only link... the only way he could-

"Dad!"

Castle leaped back from the wall, hand on his heart as his eyes shot open.

"What are you doing here?!" Alexis yelled, thrusting his coffee at him.

"Uh... um... I was.." He spluttered, taking the cup with both hands, hugging the warmth to him, as if it was Kate's hand and not a cup of coffee.

Alexis sighed, taking a sip of hers and walking past him down the sidewalk. "She wasn't there anyway." She said, not looking back as he finally bounced into place beside her.

"She wasn't?" He inquired, drinking from the cup greedily.

"No..."

"Alexis." He stopped her, a hand at her elbow.

"I didn't see her."

"You wrinkled your nose, you're lying to me..." He sounded so desperate, his eyes shining with hope but his face set in despair.

She sighed again, nodding her head wordlessly, afraid she'd spill that Kate asked if she knew her. Not wanting to give her father false hope on a small amount of deja vu.

"How is she, how does she look?" He then fired at her blue eyes big and pleading. "She fell... is she okay?" He implored further, gripping the cup so tight Alexis thought it would crumble in on itself like her father.

Alexis looked down, and then back up at him with a hand on his arm. "She looks good dad... and she's okay." She said, patting his arm. "I think she's doing okay." She added convincingly, hoping for her father's sake, that she was.

* * *

Alexis sat upstairs in her room, having given her father a kiss on the cheek before he shut the door to his study. She watched the way he had held that cup of coffee, gripping it in his hand as if it was his only life source... connection to the disconnected Detective she saw today.

But it wasn't the coffee that had gotten to her, but the small light in his eyes. Barely a spark.. but any word about Kate brought it right out... if not to dim it again. It was a win lose.. or maybe an all around lose lose in Alexis' opinion.

She felt as though any news on her father's muse...Alexis sighs, a small grumble as she admits, love of his life... did more damage than good. She saw the hope rise in him... but then haunt him the remaining days after.

Alexis wrinkled her nose, scrunching her eyes and moving it back and forth as she thought of the one thing she rather not.

What if Kate remembered...

Was it even possible?

And if it was.. Kate somehow regaining her memory of those years they took from her and her time with Alexis' father...how would that affect them? How could they move on from it.. would they be safe? Would she finally let the case go if it meant both their lives would be spared?

All of these thoughts raced through her mind... and despite it all...she still couldn't shake that dislike.. and that fear that came with it when it involved Detective Kate Beckett... the 12th precinct, and her father being amidst the danger.

At first, when she was told about these circumstances... how Kate would not remember any of them. How... it was the only way to keep Kate and her father safe, Alexis was happy.

Relieved that it was all over.

She wouldn't have to worry about her father not coming home. Her worst fears had dwindled down to nothing. Her father was safe.. and regardless of her iffy feelings on the detective, Alexis was happy she was safe too.

As far as Kate was concerned...from what Alexis was told...She never met Richard Castle.

Which meant... If she never met him, he never re opened her mother's case. And without that knowledge they had gathered since they met...No one was looking into it.

But as the days turned into months, Alexis saw a new side of her father that haunted her every night.

What was the _point_?

She now thought, turning the pages of a text book, barely letting her eyes focus on the words; if her father wasn't happy.

This wasn't just writer's block.. nowhere else to go in book... no characters to write, nothing to do... She could actually see.. that he wasn't happy. And that was what made her feel so conflicted.

Alexis had asked him once, _does she make you happy? _He had said yes, Kate did...that it was enough for now.

And as time passed, she could see he was struggling with it.

She realized, that staying away, and keeping them safe...wasn't enough... not at the cost of his happiness.

Alexis... no matter how hard she had tried... was not in fact blind to the good Kate had done for him all these years.

And now... it didn't matter did it?

The Kate they once knew was gone...it was as though she never existed...nothing Alexis did would ever bring him to the kind of happiness he had found working with Kate.

They hadn't only erased him from Kate's life but Alexis as well. Leaving her with a broken shell of a man wandering about the city. He was no longer her father, but the remnants of a man devoid of his muse.

Lost without love and floundering.

Slamming the textbook shut, she growled low and stood from the bed. Pacing back and forth, a crease formed between her eyes, lips pouted as she thought about the injustice of it all.

Had they no moral _decency!? _She seethed, clutching her hands into vicious fists.

By taking her past, her partner...they might be saving her _life_...

But they were stealing her _future._


	10. Chapter 10

_**Chapter Ten**_

Dr. Lanie Parish pushed through the double doors into the chill of the morgue. She let her shoulders sag, reaching for the box of gloves, and pulled one of with a snap. Her eyes blinked, and she seemingly ignore the tiny sting of the pink latex as she slipped on another, the sound echoing in the silent space.

Walking around the empty slab, Lanie let her pink glove flit along the cold metal. Slow and unconsciously as she looked out into the other room. Doors and drawers of deceased people waiting for her attention.

But her mind was far from the underworld.

She was too focused on the living.

There was a broken team upstairs. Less spark in those two men. And they were lost.. she could see it as they sat at their desks, heads bent and eyes on their paperwork.

She was keeping them safe, Lanie kept reminding herself. But every visit with Kate, only showed Lanie she wasn't really doing her any favors

"Dr. Parish?" An inquisitive voice came over the intercom.

Lanie cleared her throat. "Yes?" She picked up a scalpel, voice quavering as she became a bit nervous. Not even sure why she had the instrument when there was yet to be a body on her table.

"There is someone here to see you...a Castle?"

Her eyes grew wide and she put the scalpel back down. "It's okay." She then said, starting to remove her gloves.

She struggled, the latex catching on her skin as it started to sweat, hands shaking and then the double doors swung open. Lanie made a small sound when she finally peeled off her gloves, shaking her hand to get them to slip from her fingers, and dropped them when she looked up.

"Alexis..." She said surprised to see the redhead standing in her morgue of all places. "What are yo-"

"She remembered me." The young girl blurt out. " At least she thought she did... but I quickly corrected her!" She added, as if the M.E was going to scold her.

Lanie tilted her head to one side, throwing her gloves into a bin but not moving. Her heart was racing, eyes darting around until they finally settled on Alexis, who seemed frightened.

"Where did you see her?" Lanie asked, stepping forward and reaching out a reassuring hand to the teen.

Alexis swallowed chest heaving. "Remy's.. I saw her at Remy's... I was getting a coffee for dad." She looked down, wringing her hands. "He won't go in there anymore...afraid he would...he can't...I...How do you do it, Dr. Parish?"

Lanie let out a long mournful sigh, and patted the empty slab before pulling up her own chair. Alexis hopped up, crossing her ankles together and waited as Lanie took her own hands in her lap.

"I'm barely hanging on sweetie.": She admitted, looking up with sad brown eyes into watery blue ones. "But.. I can't do anything about it.. I have no choice..." She felt that lump forming, that acid in her mouth. Feeling it pumping through her heart as she stared into the face of this young woman, whose father had lost his soul mate.

"Who are they?" Alexis asked brows furrowed. "They can't do this." She then added, finders wrapped so tightly around the table, Lanie saw them go pure white.

"I don't know." Lanie lied. She stood from her chair the wheels squeaking as it rolled back, and she pried the girls fingers from the table. "I have something for your dad." She said, tugging the girl until her feet hit the floor.

Alexis held her hand tightly, following the older woman to a tower of office drawers. Lanie squeezed her hand, letting it fall to the girls side, and took a key from her desk unlocking the second drawer.

Lanie took in a deep breath, before pulling it open, the sound as the wheels rolled along the metal almost too loud, and she wanted to look around to make sure no one else was watching.

But they were alone.. so very alone as she reached inside, and took out the first book. She smoothed her hand over the worn jacket, blinking several times at the time on the cover, and flipped it open to trace Kate's name in the inside.

Lanie heard a gasp behind her, "is that.. are those?" The girl trailed off, a hand to her mouth, red hair falling into her face.

"Yes...Kate's books...Your fathers books... I ...I had to take them from her apartment while she was in the hospital... I...I wasn't allowed to leave any trace of him behind.. I was supposed to get rid of them.. but..."

"You couldn't." Alexis said softly.

Lanie shook her head, and offered her the book. "How could I?..." She whispered taking out another, and another until every book he ever wrote, was stacked at their sides.

Alexis placed the book on the stack and took the first of the Nikki Heat series. Hugging it to her chest, she wiped her eyes and sniffled before looking at Lanie as she stood to get a box. "I won't tell." She promised, wiping her eyes one last time.

The M.E placed a hand on the girl's cheek, rubbing her thumb under her eye. "I know, I trust you to keep them safe."

"Only my dad and I will know." Alexis nodded into Lanie's hand. "Thank you." She then said, putting the book into the box, fingers lingering on the cover.

Lanie smiled faintly at her, "You can always come to me..." She said. Feeling it was the right thing to say. She would be there for her. Just like she knew Kate would have been...if...

"I should go." Alexis said, turning with the box in her arms. "Dad will wonder where I went..."

"Give him a hug for me?"

"Of course."

* * *

Alexis unlocked the door to the loft with some difficulty, learning the box against the doorframe, and balancing it on her thigh as she twisted the key, and finally pushed the door open. The place was empty as far as she could tell, closing the door behind her with a slam and she cringed pausing before gripping the box and moving to the kitchen to set it on the island.

"Dad?!" She called out, looking towards his study door, which stood ajar. But she heard nothing, not even the clicking of keys. Not that she thought she ever would again. He hadn't written anything in months. "Are you home?" She called again, walking into his study, and she sighed leaning on the door.

He was sat in his chair, feet up on the desk with his laptop in his lap. His head was lulled to one side, staring out the window, and a cup of coffee lay cold in his extended hand. He wasn't moving, but she could see his eyelashes flutter as he blinked from time to time.

She turned, walking back into the kitchen and grabbed the first book he ever wrote. The one she knew to be Kate's mothers. The book that had saved her...it wasn't a secret anymore...

Gripping it tightly, and yet tenderly in her hands, the worried redhead went back into his study, removed the cup for his hand, the laptop and replaced it with the book.

He startled, as if he had been asleep.. or in a completely different world, and looked down with a frown. "What's this?"

"It's Kate's, Dad... Dr. Parish gave them all to me... to give to you."

He looked up, his hand already slipping to the book. "When did you see Lanie?" He blinked a few times mouth agape and confused. "You _never _see Lanie."

Alexis put the laptop on the desk and set her weight on one hip. "I ran into her on the way home, she had been out to lunch." She lied rather quickly and thoroughly without any tells. She had practiced all the way home.. .She could not give this away. Not that Kate remembered... it would give him false hope.

He stared at her for several minutes, but she stood firm, until he nodded his head slowly before his eyes fell on the book. She watched him, that heave in his chest every time he thought of Kate, the tense in his jaw, but his eyes stayed soft, like his hand as he seemingly caressed the book, afraid he'd shatter it into a million pieces.

"She kept them.." He said, a ghost of a whisper, etched in awe and she thought she saw his eyes misting over.

"She couldn't get rid of them... I told her.. I'd keep them a secret... no one can know."

Her father looked up at her bringing the book to his chest, and rested his chin on the pages. He said nothing, closing his eyes for a moment and swallowing what she knew to be a lump in his throat.

And then his eyes shot open, face stern and jaw tense, he got up from the chair, clutching the book to him so tight it must have hurt him. But she knew, as he pushed back the chair and walked past her.,that he needed to be alone.. to think or.. she didn't know.

"I need to go.. for a walk.. something..." He murmured

"Where are you going dad?" She asked following him to the door.

"Fish..." He said, in a sort of daze

"Fish?"

"They are supposed to be relaxing.." is all he said before closing the door behind him.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Chapter Eleven**_

He found himself staring at an array of tropical fish, book clutched tightly to his chest. And he watched, as their vibrant colors floated in and around the blue of his eyes, getting lost in his irises before appearing again.

They moved so peacefully. A graceful ebb and flow in the crystalline water all around them. He found himself wanting to _be _them. It was so easy in there, it seemed... to swim through life carefree.

Solid ground held consequences...decisions and mistakes.

And the longer he thought about her... went without her. He couldn't help but think this was a horrible, miserable mistake. But like everyone else around him... he too could do nothing about it.

What's done was done...

Castle gripped the binding of the book, and turned, settling onto a bench to stare off at the rounded tank on the other side of him. He was in a tunnel...and he wanted to scoff at the idea of it.

There was no light at the end of his. He thought as he sat bathed in the aquatic glow bouncing around him. He was alone here...aside from the fish, the murmurs of other people as they moved onto other places. After a while all he could hear was the hum of the tanks, and the beating of his own heartbeat.

It beat for her...

And he looked up when he heard an echo. Heels clicking along to the rhythm of his own pulse. It quickened further when he saw her, a thudthudthud against his chest, wishing to break free and fly to her, reunite with hers so they could be whole again.

She sat quietly near the other end, and he heard a small sigh escaped her. An expel of air as she relaxed into her seat and sagged her shoulders. Castle's arms wrapped more tightly around the book as if he was trying to muffle his excitable heart. His skin began to quiver, sweat forming on his brow.

Kate didn't notice him.

She just stared ahead, watching the fish. Every now and then she would adjust her shoulders, lean farther back, or cross one leg over the other. She was trying to relax, he could see, and nearly failing.

He wanted to call out to her... help her calm herself for whatever reason she was so anxious...Maybe she could feel him somehow...maybe they actually were somehow universally connected...and their souls were trying to reach each other..

For why else would she be here?

Was she drawn here for the same reason... was there some cosmic pull leading them straight back to each other?

Castle cleared his throat, the low rumble in his chest resounding loudly around them...for they were the only ones here in this tunnel.

She barely looked his way... if not jumped a bit startled in her seat, and brushed her hair behind her ear with nimble fingers... fingers he'd watch hold a pen and write paperwork... or type reports on her desk computer...fingers that would come up to her mouth to cover a laugh he knew she was hiding, or bite at her nails while she studied the murder board.

Now, she settled them in her lap, smoothing along her pant legs up and down up and down until she sighed one last time, and just let her head fall back against the glass behind her, face tilted upwards, eyelids falling over those bright green eyes he missed so much.

Maybe he should leave...Just... get up... _right now...now..._and go home... or... sit somewhere else... but everywhere he went she was there... and he just so happened to find her actually _here_... in person after so many months... after the devastation of leaving her without a goodbye...

She might as well not have existed.

He was almost... and so close to just letting himself believe that...

But here she was.

Living.. breathing Kate.

He stayed right where he was.

* * *

Kate woke the next day rather early.

Her mind flashing with images distorted and whimsy. It was confusing to say the least... this... playfulness and images and focus points in her dreams that are carrying out into her everyday as she got ready for her physical therapy appointment.

It reminded her of memories... things she should know of, and remember. But they plagued in her mind like nightmares. Pleasant ones that she was afraid of losing even if she never had them.

They made her feel... hopeful and fluttery and lost all at the same time. And she found herself wanting these things. As if she was missing out on something more than what she had... and at this day in time.. this... whole ordeal after her shooting... she didn't have anything..

This man in her dreams...the one with the blue eyes and adorable smile.

The one she swore she saw yesterday when she somehow ended up at the aquarium. Kate was curious by him.. this lone man...like she'd seen him once before...he was.. familiar and after a while his presence had relaxed her.

They didn't speak.

He just sat there with a book in his lap. Flipping through the pages. But she didn't think he was actually reading them. His blue eyes she had briefly caught a glimpse of as he looked her way before leaving, only stared at the words. His mouth slightly agape, and his breathing rather rushed while his hand rested upon the book, fingers caressing the pages as if to soothe himself.

He was pained...

She could tell. Or maybe she felt it in some unknown way... But he was certainly hurting. He had gone there for an escape.. perhaps the way she had without knowing she did.

Either way, now, while she pulled her hair into a messy bun, Kate wanted to go back... see if he would be there... drawn to his presence because for some reason... it calmed her and left her feeling just a little bit more at peace..

But not today.

Today she had physical therapy. She missed her last one, and she needed to build strength and improve coordination, balance, endurance, flexibility and mobility.

She had chanted those things in her mind, for she needed them if she was ever going to be able to get her gun and badge back; go back to the precinct and find at least a shred of normalcy.

* * *

Annabelle looked at the clock anxiously as the second hand ticked closer and closer to the twelve. It was just a little past nine thirty, and she was afraid that Kate wouldn't make it again...

The second hand came and went. The tiny tick tick tick seeming louder than normal until the door opened, and Kate Beckett walked into the waiting area.

"Sorry I'm late." Kate said a bit out of breath as she leaned forward on the counter.

Annabelle smiled at her, shaking her head slightly. "Not a problem, Ms. Beckett. He's waiting for you." She said, gesturing at a door to the right of them.

Kate nodded, swiping a stray hair behind her ear that had escaped, and started towards the door. "Thank you." She replied squaring her shoulders and straightening as if she was going into battle.

"Good luck." The younger woman offered sweetly when Kate opened the door. And as the door closed, she thought Kate might as well have been.

Fighting to be all she was before... and Annabelle knew, she never could be.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Chapter Twelve**_

She was freezing. Shivering all over, breaths coming out ragged, and slower by the minute. She'd been here before.. locked in a freezer chasing a dirty bomb.. alone... and dying until her team saved her.

But now.

She could feel strong arms wrapped around her. Pulling her close as possible, trying to keep her warm and safe.. but she was drifting, In and out of the way she rose and fell as they breathed, and losing consciousness.

The battle with the cold.

Everywhere she looked was coated in blue.. the air, the ice as it rose from the ground and surrounded her. And she could feel it.. that familiar blue, it warmed her.. just a little bit.

But was it enough?

"Im sorry." A male voice said, deep and rumbling at her back.

She turned carefully, snuggling into what little warmth he could provide. "Shh." She soothed, blinking her eyes, her eyelashes feeling like icicles as they touched down and back up again.

And then she frowned, hand going up, fingers at his chin, because he moved away from her touch, looking at something far off. And when she looked, following the path his breath was making, she saw it.. a fish... swimming in the air.

With every swish of it's tail, the color would flash. Blues, reds, yellows and purples. A kaleidoscope of intricate colors, glowing and changing as it floated so effortlessly

"What?" She asked, mouth dry lips chapped. Her eyes were fixed on the way the blue shone brighter than any other color.

"I'm sorry." He said again.

"For what?" She touched at his face, both watching as the fish swam around the freezer, and disappeared into the wall. She was confused... what did he have to be sorry for...why was he here.. why is she talking to him like she's known him for so long.. here in her dreams.. It's as though he always has been.. He's a part of her here...

"For...for going rogue." He shivered.

"Shh, Castle." And the pang of his name on her dying lips shot straight to the heart.

She _does_know him...

"You weren't there." She said, cupping his cheek. "You're not even _here_..." She whispered, her heart aching... everything was starting to hurt, and her hand slipped from him, sliding and catching on his frozen jacket.

"Kate.. stay with me Kate." He pleaded.

But she was already gone.

* * *

"Sweetie what's the matter?" Lanie asked groggily sitting up in bed and sliding back against the pillow.

Javier Esposito groaned in his sleep, turning away from her as she switched on the bedside light, and hugged the pillow into his naked chest.

"No...Kate.. you were alone." Lanie said, trying to keep her voice below terrified as Kate gasped out of her dream, asking about the bomb and the freezer. "Who else would be there with you?" Lanie tried to reason.

Kate had paused for a moment, Lanie could hear her trying to gather herself, her breathing harsh. And she wiped her eyes, clearing the sleep from them.

"_No one. "_ Kate had finally said. "_No one... just a dream..."_She had tried to convince herself, but she sounded haunted...and Lanie looked over at Javi, wondering if she should wake him...

She knew Kate wasn't only dreaming... but remembering things she shouldn't. She wanted to feel proud. Kate's brain was obviously fighting the procedure... her memories growing back...

Coming back where they belonged.

Lanie sighed into her hand, listening as Kate breathed on the other end, before she finally spoke, whispering so softly she barely heard her before she hung up the phone.

"_It felt so real._"

* * *

"I do this thing with ice cubes." Kate heard like an echo in her mind.. a distant memory, and the image of her own hand reaching for a cherry popped into view. She put it in her mouth, and swirled it along her lips, teasing it with her tongue. And then she looked over to see the blue eyed man with his fist in his mouth.

Castle.

"What?" She asked innocently, eating the fruit.

"Maybe you should pop another button." He remarked.

She looked at him incredulously, now dancing in a club, eyeing him as the music beat around them. She swayed from side to side, knowing full well he was watching her. She shot him a look anyway, and wanted to laugh at the expression on his face at being caught.

"Drinks.. right." He said before she rolled her eyes and made her way through the crowd.

The music was thrumming, vibrating through her body and she moved to it, eyes closed and just letting herself go. Feeling freer then she had in a long time. And the fact that he was so close made her that much more alive.

But when she opened her eyes again, it was cold, and she was no longer in a club, the music had stopped and all she heard was her own laughter. A body bumped into hers, and she saw a guard or somebody approaching them. Her hand instinctively went for her gun. But someone else caught it, spinning her around and cupping her behind the head.

Her surprised eyes found themselves lost in the sea of blue. She stared at him, heart thumping against her ribcage, mouth agape until he leaned in, covering her shock with his lips.

She stilled, as his mouth moved over hers, and he pulled back. But she wanted him.. needed him close, so she went for him, opening her mouth and inviting him in.

She grabbed at him, clutching him to her and moaned into his mouth. But the guard was getting closer. She had to let Castle go.. but she couldn't... She didn't want to ever let him go.

Kate woke, tears streaming down her face as she stared into the darkness of her room.

* * *

Lanie sat at her kitchen table, phone gripped tightly in her hand as she fought with her mind and her heart..

What was she going to do?

"Chica?" Javi asked, padding into the room and rubbing at his eyes. "What are you doing? It's 4 am." He said, smoothing a hand up and down her back as she leaned over her table, head in one hand.

"Kate called..." Lanie murmured still staring at her phone.

Javi sat in the seat across from her. "Is she okay?"

She nodded, tired watery eyes looking into his concerned ones. "She's having dreams..."

He inclined his head, taking the phone from her and slipping his hand into hers. "What kind of dreams?"

"Memories.."

He looked grave, eyes averting to their hands and he squeezed her hand taking it in two of his now. "Wait a little while... just..._wait_... okay?"

"For what? She's obviously starting to remember him... and they are only going to try and up her dosage.. but Javi.. I don't think it will work.. and I ..." She choked.

"Hey... hey." He said, getting back up and kneeling in front of her as tears began to stream down her face. "Why don't you go see her, huh? and just...see how she's doing... maybe it just a tiny relapse.. a small space of .. I don't know.. something.. before each dosage.. you know?" He asked, grasping for anything.. ._anything _he could so they didn't have to call...

Lanie sniffled and nodded her head. "Okay.. I'll call her later.. have lunch or something..."

"Good." He kissed her head. "Come back to bed."

He sighed in relief as she got up, following him into the bedroom. She curled up, back to his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. But as they both settled in... they couldn't help but be terrified of what this could mean...

Who knew what they would do to her this time...


	13. Chapter 13

_**Chapter Thirteen**_

"Have you ever dreamed of someone you never met?" Kate asked around her straw, pulling it out of her strawberry shake and pushing it back in as she waited.

Lanie looked at her with a quirked eyebrow and slowly pulled her mouth from her own straw. "Like the song?"

"What song?"

"There's a secret path I follow." The M.E sang out. "To a place no one can find. "

Kate rolled her eyes at her and went to say no but the sassy woman continued.

"Where I meet my perfect someone." She reached for Kate's hand. "I've kept hidden in my mind."

Shaking her head Kate snorted and sipped at her shake. "This is a _real_person." Kate said, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms. She wasn't about to say that it might as well have been like the song...

Lanie paused, straw sliding over her lip till it flung slightly outwards and sprayed the table with chocolate milkshake. "Um... what?" She asked, sounding as innocently surprised as possible... but on the inside she was frightened. Her worst fears might actually be true.

"Just someone I saw the other day. I had a dream about him." Kate replied shrugging her shoulders. But Lanie couldn't help but think there was more to it.

"Him...a him?"

"Yes Lanie a _him._"

"And you've never met?" Lanie inquired more, her heart racing.

Kate shook her head with pursed lips. "No. We haven't... I don't _think_so anyway." She frowned at herself and stared off in thought.

"What do you mean you don't think so?"

Kate blinked a few times and focused on Lanie again. "Well... I mean... he _looks_ familiar to me...and..." _Feels familiar. _"I don't know." She shrugged again and pulled her shake towards her.

"What does he look like?" Lanie asked, voice sounding very much like the overly curious peppy give me the details, best friend.

"Blue eyes." Kate said a bit dreamily, a tiny sigh escaping her lips. And she might as well have stopped talking because Lanie knew exactly who she was describing.

Because whether Kate knew she knew him or not. Richard Castle could _always _pull that smile and look from Kate Beckett.

* * *

Everything was a reflection of blue around her. A calming sapphire she knew in her heart, and was not quite sure why. But she let herself bask in it, walking along a tile floor. Her heels echoed in the confined space, bouncing off the glass, and mingling with the light as it moved in patterns at her feet.

Once in awhile, shadows of various sizes would glide overhead, disrupting the shimmering specks that guided her, and she walked in awe, as if seeing it for the first time.

She craned her neck, looking up, turning her head and bright green eyes every which way. They were just everywhere. She loved the way they moved, the light shining and catching in their vibrant colors.

Like the one in her dream...

She hummed in thought, lips pursed as she thought back to her dreams. But she soon found herself just letting them go for now. Kate could get lost in these tunnels, they made her feel safe.

It was quiet during this part of the day, a weekday and late into the afternoon, and she spotted her usual place, sitting with her back against one wall of never ending glass.

At the moment, as she set her purse down beside her on the bench, she was alone. Looking down one end, and then the other, all she saw were a few retreating backs. People moving on to other exhibits. Perhaps ones more exciting.

But she liked it here.

It was more peaceful, quiet, and she found she could actually relax. She could feel herself sag in her shoulders, the air from her nose coming out less labored and forced. The tightening in her chest had eased up, and she could finally breathe, submerged underwater.

With a sigh, she let a small smile play at the corner of her lips, and looked out at the expanse of aquatic wildlife. Here she didn't have to _think_, she could just _be_... whoever that was.

But even now... she didn't care.

Here...she was just a woman enjoying the relaxing sight of the ocean fish as they swam about.

Kate wasn't looking for anything. Just a place to empty her mind, and let her soul breathe.

Although... she couldn't say she wasn't looking for _anyone_...for the object of her unknown hearts desires, just sat several feet down the bench.

She'd seen him a few times before. Although they had never met. Never spoke one word to each other. But they had definitely acknowledged one another. With the same respectful nod of the head, and a smile.

Just two strangers enjoying this space around them, both blocking out the world and residing in this one.

Today, Kate watched as he thumped heavily down on the bench, letting his head fall back against the glass, and close his eyes. He was distraught, from what she could tell. And for some reason... she felt the need to sooth him. As if she knew exactly how to smooth those worried wrinkles at the corner of his eyes, loosen his tense jaw, and coax a smile from his face.

She did none of those things, angling her head so she was looking slightly forward, and crossed one leg over the other. He didn't move, or seem to notice her there, his eyes still closed and his fists clenched at his sides.

Kate wanted to say something to this man...this so familiarly _un_familiar man with the sad blue eyes. His presence brought out the strangest thoughts in her. Wandering, wondering thoughts on things she thought he might like.

A character study really.

Comic books.

Magic... and not...not just the illusional kind... but the real life magic. Magic she didn't think she believed in anymore.

She wondered if he was a scotch drinker. A wine connoisseur. He had money... she could tell by his watch. Expensive... maybe he liked nice things but also, maybe it wasn't everything to him.

Did he have a family? He looked old enough. He was older than herself... but not.. _too _much older for her to be illusive.

Kate shook her head, scoffing at herself.

Why... why was she thinking of these things...

Like she knew him.. like.. she _wanted _to know him..

It was crazy... and yet... her heart fluttered whenever he moved. Be it a slight twitch of his eyebrow, or pushing his hand into his pocket. She liked the way he watched the fish...how utterly focused he was... as if studying their every move and behavior.

She knew that look...but why...

"Do you believe in past lives?" She found herself saying out loud, turning in her seat to face him.

He jumped slightly, head coming off the tank behind him and he blinked several times at her. "I..." He started, looking around him and at the fish as if they could help him.

She almost felt bad, startling him like that. But she thought it was adorable the way he cleared his throat and sat straighter on the bench. She found herself anxious to hear him speak.

"I do." He said, and nodded his head for good measure, clearing his throat again. "I think we lead many other lives, before and after this one."

_Do you think we knew each other? _Kate wanted to ask.

His head tilted to one side... and what was that? A small grin. She smiled a little at that, "Why do you ask? I mean..." He trailed off, looking at the fish again, but she could see through the reflection in the glass, that he was looking at her.

"Curious." She shrugged standing and turning towards the vast tank.

"Some weird come on?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows.

Her heart leaped and she stared at him...She'd heard that somewhere before...her brow creased, and his head turned as it deepened. She watched, as she pondered why that sounded familiar, and saw very briefly, a flash of uncertainty and perhaps, regret seep onto his face before he shook it off and stood as well.

It was a mirror image. The two of them standing in the tank tunnels of one of New York's Aquariums. Arms crossed standing merely feet from one another.

"Was a joke." He said.. perhaps too much time after the fact, but maybe he felt compelled to say it. For his sake or hers she was not quite sure.

She raised one hand and shook her head with a purse of her lips. Before turning back to the fish. "Who.. or what do you think you were in a past life?" She asked.

She wanted to know him.. or maybe...continue with her strange notion that she already did.

"Hmmmmmmm." He drew it out lifting his hand comically to his chin and rubbing at his scruff in thought. "Batman." He said.

Kate laughed, covering her mouth with her hand and peering over, before laughing again. "He's a fictional character."

"So." He said, scooting slightly closer. But not subtly, and she lifted her hand to her smiling lips again. "There is a little bit of truth and realism in every fictional character."

She raised her eyebrow pivoting her body without moving her feet. "You say that as if you _know." _She tightened her hold on her arms, fingers digging through her T shirt.

He was...intriguing and so...she didn't know but she was becoming addicted to the way he made her feel. Just.. standing there not even at arms length.

He shrugged his shoulders, releasing one arm and placing his index finger on the glass just as an angel fish swam by, lingering only for a moment at his finger, before floating away. It's blue green and white curved stripes shimmering in the reflected light from above.

He seemed transfixed by its colors drawn to them as her eyes too, caught on the blue and green. "I read.. and write... a little." he said tapping the glass before clasping his hands behind his back.

"Ever been published?" She asked, stepping just a little closer something inside her making her move.

He took a step back.

And chuckled, she was not sure why he found it funny. But he never answered. Instead he checked his watch, looking very hesitant. "I must be going.." He said regretfully. "But I'll be saving this... discussion on past lives... for another day...It was very nice talking to you."

"Ka-"

He held up his hand, shaking his head with a small smile. "I like to keep the mystery alive." He then said, before giving her a wink, and disappearing down the tunnel of fish.

* * *

Lanie listened to the echo of his footfall as Castle exited the Aquarium, and peeked around the corner to find Kate standing in the center of the tunnel.

Watching... just watching as the man she knows.. and grew to love, disappeared into the shadows.

She closed her eyes with a sigh...The M.E turning in the opposite direction...She knew.. that this was bad... but it also wasn't on purpose... it was... _proof._

Proof enough for her, her heart... that everything happened for a reason. And be damned if she'd let two people who were obviously meant to be...

Be ripped apart.

* * *

**In case you were wondering. The song Lanie mentioned is called ****_I know him by heart,_**


	14. Chapter 14

_**Chapter Fourteen**_

She sat curiously in her own little booth. Dreams that felt more and more like memories, real life events, playing out in her mind as she waited for her coffee. And the more she had them, the more she was convinced that she wasn't just dreaming.

They were too vivid...

And to dream of someone before you ever even _saw _them... was impossible.

She didn't want to think of why or how right now. Only prove to herself first, that she wasn't delusional.

They felt too real.

It was all real.

She kept telling herself over and over. And when her coffee finally came to her, set down on a table she knew to be theirs, Kate cupped it in both hands. This was not just a cup of coffee anymore...

It's a good morning without the kiss.

It's a warm smile of mutual and unspoken affection.

And she does smile... that beautiful curve of her lips she hadn't let herself grace the world with in a long time.

But here was why.

She sat here alone... he hadn't brought it to her, eyes shining, grin on his face...she knew that grin. She saw it yesterday at the aquarium. She heard it in his voice when he spoke to her. She knew there was a reason for him looking so pained...

But why...

If they knew each other...why was he hiding it?

The bell dinged over the door as it swung open, and she saw a flash of red through her eyelashes as she took the first heavenly sip. Kate's eyes closed for a moment as she tasted it, and she could almost smell him close by.

When she opened them again, she caught the girl as she quickly looked away. Kate had seen her here before...and her brow creased in thought. Yes... a few days ago... held the door open to her and almost... if she's not mistaken... almost said her name?

Maybe...

or not..

But... hmmm

"Two coffees, please."The redhead asked the man behind the counter, all sweetly and with a sweep of her hair over her shoulder.

Kate knew her...somewhere. Maybe not well. But they did know one another. Kate could tell by the way the girl tried not to look her way... failing miserably when her blues caught in Kate's green for not even a fraction of a second.

She had the same blue eyes... not as magnifying and memorable as his... but Kate knew she was not mistaken...and her name... an A came to mind...A L...

Ally?

Aliza..

No wait... something with an x and an le sound...

Kate toyed with the variations, tongue pressed to the roof of her mouth as she sounded out with L.

Lex

Lexis..

Alexis.

* * *

"I saw Alexis today." Kate said sitting at Ryan's dining room table that night. And she watched with determination as Ryan choked on his food, Esposito wiped his mouth, and Lanie cleared her throat. Jenny stood from the table, and started to clear plates saying nothing at all if not throwing Ryan a worried look as he got a hold of himself.

"Who?" Lanie asked taking a sip of her wine. One eyebrow raised as she looked into her glass.

Kate finished chewing her food, setting her fork down lightly on her napkin before shrugging her shoulders. "Alexis." She said again, making sure to look at every single person in the room.

They all looked back at her perplexed. Not convincingly but no one was budging.

"I don't know, Sweetie." Lanie said setting the glass down.

"Someone from a past case maybe?" Ryan asked, looking to Jenny with 'help' written in his eyes.

"Doesn't sound familiar." Esposito piped in.

"Dessert?" Jenny asked and everyone turned.

"Oh! What are we having?" Ryan asked getting up from the table too quickly.

"Cheesecake." Jenny replied happily.

"Mmm sounds good." Lanie hummed

Espo only nodded eyes wide and licking his lips.

"I would love some." Kate finally said humming softly before letting it go.

For now anyway.

The lack of inquiring minds needing to know more made her suspicious. She felt guilty...nearly hated herself for feeling so apprehensive. Distrustful of her friends...but she knew them... and something wasn't adding up.

This whole dinner felt off... Did they normally have dinners at Ryan's house? Or was it just because she was recovering... or keeping a closer eye on her for more than just her health...

And she couldn't help but feel there was someone missing.

It's all she's ever been feeling since she got out of the hospital.. Like someone is missing...and she was lost.. feeling as though she was completely alone in it.

And as everyone settled back at the table, a plate of cheesecake set in front of her, Kate couldn't help that her eyes kept straying to the empty chair across from her.

* * *

It was dark aside from the lone streetlight. But there was something she could see here that she couldn't before. Inside Kate managed to hide it all. But here.. as the three of them stood out on his front steps, Jenny was not blind.

"Gonna catch a cab?" Ryan asked, wrapping an arm around Jenny's shoulders. They watched as Kate took a step down, taking in a lungful of August night air, before she looked back at them.

She shook her head, pursing her lips in a small smile, "I think I'll walk."

"It is beautiful out." Jenny said, closing her own eyes and breathing it all in. "But it's a long walk...why don't you just let Kevin drive you home?" She nudged him lightly in the ribs, a wide smile, eyes bright.

"Oh." He coughed. " Yea. Beckett I can take you home." He offered as his fiancee gave him the 'be polite' eyes.

Kate looked down at the ground, a small chuckle at their adorable antics and then shook her head. "No, that's okay, I have my mandatory therapy appointment tomorrow..." She rolled her eyes. "Kind of need to clear my head, you know." She took the last few steps down, pushing her hands into her pockets as the night started to pull her into its shadow.

"Can't wait to have you back, Becks." He tilted his head to one side, blue eyes sincere as Kate waved and started off down the sidewalk.

Jenny sighed sadly as Kate slipped into the darkness, and pushed her hand up Ryan's chest, resting her head on his shoulder. "How can we keep her from what we have?" She asked.

Ryan leaned away, rubbed her arm as he looked into her sad eyes. "It's keeping her alive."

Jenny's lip came out in a severe pout, and she fixed him with a look of denial. She let him go, taking a step back before looking fiercely down the sidewalk. "You can't tell me, That's living."


	15. Chapter 15

_**Chapter Fifteen  
**_

The therapist was late, and the same pretty redhead who had been at her physical therapy let her in, a soft smile on her face that should have set Kate at ease as she entered. But now she stood for a moment, feeling more unsure in this spacious office the longer she stayed.

With two chairs resting in front of a large window, the city and all its glory just right outside.

Kate looked around as she sat, running both hands along the leather armrests. The other chair stood facing hers, and she felt like she was already being watched... expectations shooting at her from invisible eyes. And when she looked over, she could see why.

She reached out her hand, touching the face of a wood mannequin. It stared at her from the end table... its body fixed in a normal stance, its hands behind its back as if in innocent contemplation.

But was this session really all that innocent? She wondered as she pushed lightly at the mannequin.

It tipped just a little, and came back at her to sway out again before it finally stood still. It was sturdy she'll give it that.. stable on its tiny platform.

That's what they wanted to know... was she stable?

Kate sighed, letting her hand drop to the armrest while the other pushed into her hair...she _needed_ to be...if she wanted to go back to work. Get her gun and badge back. But, as she sat here in this office alone, mind flashing with images she knew.. _knew _to be memories not just dreams and wishes, Kate wasn't so sure that was going to happen.

What was she going to say?

_I think everyone else has amnesia_.. because they are _all _wrong...They _had _to be... he was too real...

Castle. Was. Real.

And she was going to fight it, _them_, no matter what.

Why else was she having so many dreams of him? Recounts of cases she swore she had worked alone... only to find out he was actually there.

And it made sense. It made _so _much sense.

Filled the holes in everyone elses recollections... there were too many pockets. Too many gaps of things that could not have happened if it was just _her _there.

And it couldn't have been anyone else!

It wasn't like Ryan...Ryan didn't go rogue. He stuck to the rules.

And Espo...he may be badass...but he was still very much her big brother protector. He wouldn't have let her get away with half the things she had supposedly done.

And then there was the sheer amount of cases...they had to have expanded over a few years...that's _years_, gone...just vanished from existence...how could that happen?

Kate shook her head, finding herself becoming suspicious and angry.

She wanted to know why. And she had no idea who she could trust...

There was her da-

The door opened behind her. Kate jumped, the leather sliding against her pant legs and making that weird squeaky sound as she turned. He's not what she expected, standing there in the doorway, one hand on the knob as he looked down at a chart.

"I'm very sorry." The man apologized, shutting the door quietly behind him before moving briskly into the room. There was an air about him, one that assumed calm and an easy nature. But she supposed it was the norm of a therapist and let herself turn back in her chair, sagging into the cushion as he took his seat.

The man extended his hand, and she leaned forward, bringing one leg into her chair. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Burke." She said taking his large, firm hand in hers.

He tilted his head to one side, shaking her hand with a sense of curiosity as she tried and failed to pull back any thoughts she had recently been thinking while sitting here alone.

And then he smiled, a small one, and let her hand go, leaning back into his seat and resting one leg over the other with the chart in his lap. "I'm not Dr. Burke."

"Oh." She said with a frown, "sorry I just assum-"

He held up his hand. "It's quite alright. I am filling in for him, something came up. He might miss a few of your sessions."

Kate nodded, bringing her lip into her mouth. She was already unsure.. and now she doesn't even have the doctor she was supposed to have.

"Oh don't feel too uneasy... I'll have you know I am just as qualified." He smiled again, a little wider if not more for being amused by the situation, and she sunk a bit deeper into her chair.

He was odd. He talked smoothly, in a voice that dripped with certainty and wisdom. But the way he watched her was unnerving.

He could see this. And leaned forward, "It would help in your comfort greatly if you at least know my name?"

Kate said nothing. She felt like she couldn't. As if he had some abnormal power to render her speechless. He made her skin prickle in awareness, and her heart stutter in an almost frightened manner.

"You may call me Alexander." He said, voice deep, and those eyes... so blue she hadn't noticed before until he sat in the light of the window, shone.. like.. just like... "Kate? May I call you Kate or would you prefer Ms. Beckett? or Detective."

"Umm.. I." She spluttered, blinking several times and finally looking away from him. "Kate's fine." She heard herself say, even though the only person she wanted to hear her name spill from his lips was...

"Kate then," He seemed satisfied with that, nodding his head once before picking up a pen, flipping a page up on the chart before regarding it for a moment. "It says here, you were shot at your former captains funeral." He stated, looking at her through his lashes as he continued to scan the page.

She swallowed and cleared her throat, bringing her hands down in the seat beside her thighs. She squeezed them into fists and nodded her head. "Yes." She said as clearly as possible, resisting the urge to close her eyes and forget he's even here.

She realized, nearly flinching at the sound of the memory. That she absolutely did not want to be here.. this wasn't going to help. She was already starting to tremble with anxiety.

Alexander gave her a moment and when it became clear she wasn't going to elaborate, he tapped his pen on the side of the clipboard. In a way she had grown to find incredibly annoying in someone else. But had tolerated it.

Why was it so familiar here...

"Do you" he started, a bit too eagerly for her liking. "Remember anything? Any detail of that event?"

Kate locked eyes with him The blues the only thing she saw. Not his face or the odd crook of his mouth as he waited for her reply.

_Kate, stay with me Kate._

"Kate?"

A gasp escaped her lips.

It was as if the final piece had just wedged itself painfully into the puzzle. Her memories were at last complete. They had come full circle and she stared at the man open mouthed.

Overwhelmed, with no idea how to explain or what she would say... tears shining bright in her eyes, Kate needed to set herself free,

"I remember everything."


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter Sixteen**_

She felt like a pharmacy, a bundle of pill bottles in her arms as she made her way to the trash in the bathroom. Setting the new bag on the sink, Kate uncapped her old pain medication. There were only about five left, and they jumbled together, sliding down the orange container into her hand.

This is what she'd been reduced to...

A cabinet full of pills for various things she had never in her life had much trouble with... except maybe sleep. She had always had problems sleeping.. but to actually take something for it...

Pouring her old medication into the trash, Kate sighed, staring herself down in the mirror as she fished in the bag for her new meds.

She needed sleep.. that much was evident. The dark bags under her eyes was proof enough, and even as the yawn escaped her tired mouth, she felt unsure about popping these pills to help her.

What would they really do?

Kate liked her dreams... in fact... she wanted them more than life outside them. But would sleep aids disrupt the rapture she found in them?

It couldn't really hurt.. could it?

Just... try them out...

See what a full nights sleep really feels like. And from the week she's had. Kate could really use a silencer. Twisting the top of the bottle, she shook the pills lightly in her hand. The sound was unnerving. And she felt as though she was compromising something very dear to her in just the act of pushing one of these little things into her mouth.

But she did it anyway, as the heaviness of lethargy seeped into her bones, weighing down on her entire body. Another yawn overtook her, and she filled a glass of water from the sink.

She knew what would be better than taking these, and the image of those sharp, reassuring blue eyes flashed in her mind as she set the pill on her tongue. She wanted him badly...wished his arms were wrapped around her at night. Hidden away from the nightmares and the pain.

And as she swallowed the pill, Kate thought, that if she wanted him badly enough... He'd still be there in her dreams when she closed her eyes.

* * *

She was in heaven.

So thoroughly wrapped around him as she drew his mouth more flush with hers. He elicited an ache so deep inside her, hibernating and suffocating her for so long, that when her tongue slipped into his mouth, her entire being ignited in a flame so hot, so undeniably _real _she didn't care if it left seering scars, gaping wounds on her flesh and in her soul.

Because this was... more than right, and she threw more than everything she had into it.

She had never had this.

Never felt this raw sensation she got whenever he merely _looked _at her. And now, as his hands cupped her face, she knew there was no other feeling like it.

He was euphoric.

He was her own personal epiphany, and her heart flutter so wildly, she used him, clawing at his hair, grabbing at his shoulders and devouring his mouth all to anchor her down. To seal him to her for as long as she possibly could.

She felt as though she was losing time. She felt it at the edge of her mind, a haste, to make the most of it before it's gone.

Before there was nothing left.

Kate moaned into his mouth, the crisp air of the night catching at her hair as the wind blew steadily around them. But he was backing off, slipping away and she could feel it as her grip faltered on his jacket, Gripping but failing.

And then she remembered why they were there. She had to get to Ryan and Esposito.. to save them... and as she opened her eyes, her darkening green catching at his eyelid, lashes smooth against his skin, she reluctantly let go, spinning around and kicking the guard they were supposed to be distracting.

But _she _got distracted. Carried away in the feel of his kiss and his arms as they wrapped around her.

Kate blew out a breath when she stilled, looking down and expecting to see the guard lying on the ground.. but he was gone.

"Castle?" She asked as she turned around.

Her heart seized in her chest when she realized..

He wasn't there.

Kate stood outside the warehouse alone... utterly alone.

And when she lifted her fingers to her lips. She could barely feel the ghost of his kiss.

* * *

He was sat there a long time...the fish his only company as he stared off at the glass. Every now and then he caught a glimpse of his own reflection, anxiously turning his wrist and checking his watch.

She wasn't coming.

It had been over a week... and he sat here day in and day out, hoping...she would sit herself down the bench from him. It was the only thing he had left...

And now, as the tunnel began to fill with afternoon crowds, he realized.. there was just nothing... nothing he should let himself get hopeful over.

But he couldn't help it...

Just like he couldn't shake the suspicion that something might have happened to her. And there was no way he could find out.

He wasn't even supposed to see her...

Letting his hand fall over his face with a slap, Castle got up from the bench just as a small boy with glasses pushed his hands and face against the glass next to him. He looked down at him once his hand dragged down to his lips, and he left them covered, clawing above his top lip unconsciously.

"Mister." A small cartoonish voice drifted into his subconscious and he shook himself awake, letting his eyes adjust as the boy looked up at him with green blinking and innocent eyes.

The little boy said nothing further, just lifted his sleeve which was caught on the chair. Castle smiled, a small chuckle leaving his lips, and proceeded to remove the boys sleeve.

"Thanks." He said, pushing his black hair away from his forehead, and then stared back at the fish as if Castle wasn't even there.

With a sigh, he pushed his own hair from his eyes, flexing his jaw, and walked, shoulders slumped weaving through people and out of the tunnels he had once found to be his sanctuary.

But he was never going to find it.

Any place _without _Kate.. wasn't really a place at all.

It didn't exist...

_He _didn't exist.

* * *

What was missing...?

Kate thought as she zipped up her high heeled boots and stood from the sofa. She patted herself down, feeling at her pockets, but she had everything she needed here.

Phone, keys, purse.

And has her hand smoothed down her black work pants, she could feel them, her gun and badge.. right where they should be...

_Will _be, in a matter of minutes...

Once she steps foot out of that elevator, and onto homicide, she'll be greeted by all her old colleges.. her _team_.. and she could start feeling whole again.. Feel her sense of purpose, which she seemed to have lost somewhere along the way.

She was still so lost.

Her mind had been so blank. Other than her constant thoughts to just.. heal.. get strong, be healthy, go back to work. Find that justice she had always been seeking, even if it wasn't for herself.

Kate was a lost cause anyway. That she knew for sure. But that didn't mean she couldn't put her all in it for those who still had a fighting chance.

_Things will get better_. She told herself as she tugged her gray turtleneck closer to her chin, and locked the door behind her and headed to the 12th precinct.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Chapter Seventeen**_

She couldn't, nor did she want to muffle the excitement and pride she felt when she stepped off the elevator and onto Homicide for the first time in months.

Everyone stopped what they were doing, the phones even seemed to cease their constant ringing, that climatic pause in the atmosphere before they all started clapping and cheering her back.

And Kate smiled, shyly and even hid it behind her hand, at the same time feeling very aware and insecure about how they saw her.

Could they see that she was barely holding on?

A wounded soul seeking guidance she knew she might never find. Kate could only hide so much of it. Her turtleneck rubbing, almost suffocating her neck as she stole her scars away from all their judging eyes.

But maybe they didn't.

They all seemed very happy to have her back.

And when she spotted her desk... her things right where she left them, she found herself more than happy to be back with them.

She ignored them then, walking through them, clutching a bundle of forms that had sent her back here. And the excitement from everyone else, died down when she sat at her desk.

"Good to have you back, Beckett." Karpowski said, shuffling over and placing her hands on the back of a chair by Kate's desk.

Kate eyed the chair with curiosity, not remembering why it was there... maybe one of the boys put it there one day? Discussing a case...or having lunch during a lull in the day.

Maybe it was for talking to suspects?

She nodded her head, _most likely, _she thought and looked up at the other woman. "Good to _be _back." Kate gave her a small smile, and watched as the other detective returned it, turning around and dragging the chair away with her.

Kate shrugged her shoulders, as they all went back to work, some still looking over at her with curious smiles, and the phones went on ringing. And as she reached out a tentative hand, index finger smoothing along one of her little elephants, it was almost like she never left.

Almost.

Kate licked her lips.

There was one thing she needed to make this reunion complete. Her eyes darted to the break room, but just as she went to stand again, her hand itching to hold that first hot cup of coffee before she started her day...

The captain's door opened, and Victoria Iron Gates, poked her head out. Her steely dark brown eyes focusing on Kate.

"Detective?" She asked.

Kate's heart pounded uncomfortably against her chest, and she saw, as Ryan and Esposito exited the break room, coffees in hand, the disgusted look on both their faces as they took a sip, and eyed the two women.

Kate said nothing, pushing back from the desk and fixing a stray hair that kept trying to escape her bun, but straightened her shoulders and tried desperately to cling to the old Detective Beckett she knew was still in there.

"Ma'am?" Kate asked as she entered the office, once formally owned by Captain Roy Montgomery, and her heart ached for him.

"If my mother drops by, you can call me Ma'am." The new Captain said sternly over her glasses, "Call me sir, or Captain." She then added as she gestured for Kate to shut the door, and take a seat.

Kate resisted the urge to make a face, instead nodded, "Detective Beckett." She said, only she didn't sit, but stood off to the side from the chair as if it was a means to an end. She didn't want to sit there, not do a thing she was told by this woman. "Back on active, as of today." She marched the rest of the way to the desk, and thrusted her forms at her.

Gates eyed her, making a gruff "hmm," sound as she peered down at the forms over her glasses that had slid down her nose. "Detective Beckett. Your Reputation precedes you." She let the forms rest in front of her, her voice not conveying any hint of being impressed, if not annoyed as she removed her glasses, "Youngest woman in the NYPD to make detective." Gates inclined her head, "You beat me by six weeks."

Kate frowned, "I didn't realize that people kept score."

"Oh every one keeps score, Detective" Gates replied looking through the forms, flipping the pages, "Especially those downtown." She looked away and opened a drawer to her desk. It slid with a small screech, and then slammed shut with an echo of metal as it vibrated with the force.

Kate took in a breath, when the new captain held out her badge.

"Looks like you passed your psych eval, so welcome back."

"Thank you," Kate said taking hold of it with less eagerness than she truly felt. "I'll need my gun." She then added, thumbs rubbing along the badge she missed so much.

"Not until you qualify."

"I'm sorry?" Kate asked, an edge in her voice, squeezing the badge between her fingers.

The Captain set her with a look, "You were on disability for three months, regs say you don't get your piece back until you re-qualify."

Kate bit down on her lip, feeding it through her teeth and letting it go. "And what about my case?" She asked.

But as _Sir_opened her mouth and berated Kate on how long she had been gone and how they were all just treading water when there were other cases coming in through the door...at hearing it had been dropped and there were no other leads, Kate had turned a deaf ear.

She defended herself of course.

But that _cold day in hell_comment sent her over, and she merely nodded... just barely when Gates asked if she was understood.

Kate marched out of that office, closing the door behind her. It's not the same...new captain... new rules...

"I want. My, Gun." She seethed breezing by Ryan and Esposito as she rounded into her desk chair.

Ryan looked at her apologetically.

"So you have to re-qualify, it's not a big deal." Espo tried, but she only fell into her chair with a huff.

She pushed her hands to the side of her head, cupping and tightening at her skull until a cup of coffee appeared in front of her.

There it is...

She licked her lips, reaching out and taking the warm mug in both hands. Oh how she'd missed the rich taste as she sat at her desk or looked over the murder board. But as she lifted it to her mouth, nose inhaling the steamy liquid within, Kate nearly choked on her first sip.

"What the _hell_ is _this_?!" She asked, eyes snapping to the boys.

Ryan lifted a hand to his mouth as if he was trying to hide something, and Esposito seemed to force a smirk.

"It's coffee." Esposito said.

Ryan nodded, taking a sip of his own, and swallowing slowly.

"Tastes more like..." She paused searching for a good description and raised an eyebrow at herself when she found one, "Like.. a monkey _peed _in battery acid."

Ryan coughed, spraying his coffee all over the side of Esposito's face.

"Dude!" He punched him in the arm, wiping at his face with both hands and stomped off.

"Good to have you back, Beckett." Ryan said as he shook his head, and then followed after Espo.

"I want my gun." Kate grumbled, looking into the offending mug. "And a decent cup of coffee."

* * *

The gun felt perfect, like the other piece of her hand had finally made itself back home. And she held it as if it was an extension of her whole arm, raising it up, closing one eye as she aimed it at her intended target.

She had this.

And when her finger rested over the trigger, the cool metal, and the curve of it fitting nicely against her skin, Kate let a little grin spread across her face as she fired her first shot.

Kate thought, as she had pushed down on the trigger, that it was going to be easy from here on out. With her badge and her gun back at her side, her constant companions and protection, she could go back to her normal life...

But as the shot rang out, it echoed like a bullet to her own chest. A sharp slice to her memory, and she sunk to the ground, gripping the gun in one hand the other pressing into her face, pushing hard into her forehead, eyes closing.

She was hit.

Images and sounds.

Visions of green grass, the rapid beat of the the drums, coinciding with her heart. Kate saw the casket before her, it's red white and blue so sharp and clear in the morning sun.

And then she heard it.

The shot.

"_Kate!"_

And the pain was so unbearable, knocking her down. Or was it someone else?

Yes someone else.. Him.. _Castle_, on top of her.

He had tried to get her out of the way but it was too late. She was shot, the blood seeping through her uniform, her white gloved hands covered in the crimson liquid. And he looked down at her, eyes misting over as hers did too, from the pain, the shock and everything that had led up to this moment.

But he had always been there. Her rock, her silent protector even if she had never known it. He was her shadow when she felt she was all alone, and he hovered over her now, blocking out the sun, and begging her to stay.

"_Stay with me, Kate_." He pleaded.

But she was fading in and out. Trying to keep him in focus.

"_Stay with me okay?_" He asked, "_Kate.. I love you, I love you Kate." _He confessed.

She heard him...

Her entire _heart _heard him.

And she wanted to answer, tell him the truth she buried down so deep, ignored for as long as she could.

And now... as she sat in a heap on the floor of the shooting range, Kate felt it all again. Rising and overwhelming her as if it had lied dormant for much longer. Locked away somewhere she didn't know it was...

She felt.. as if her entire life was a lie...

Kate knew all the details, thinking back. All the cases and events.. and now.. the gray areas and plot holes were being filled in.

By an entire human being.


	18. Chapter 18

_**Chapter Eighteen**_

She found it more than appropriate as she stepped out into the torrential downpour. Her first full day back at work finally over. Kate never thought when she started out this day, that she'd want it to end so badly.

But she was trapped in there.

Forced to play the role of the old Kate Beckett. The one she was _before_ she met Richard Castle. And she hated her...hated the person she used to be. And could now... _now_fully see how much he had done for her.

And she had to hide it... keep it close to the vest.

The boys were so attentive to her, Lanie walking on eggshells around her when she went down there to confirm some reports for a case she helped close. And as she stood there in the morgue, mind reeling, every now and then a new memory, another piece of her mind that had been... what... stolen from her? Flashing back at her...She finally understood why they had been acting so suspiciously.

Because not only had she been remembering him all day... Seeing him in all the places he'd been taken from. But she also _remembered _the other times she remembered.

It was a conundrum, and enigma, as she sat herself on the swings in the pouring rain her soaked skin wrapping around the cold metal chain, she was angry... disappointed, betrayed... and utterly lost.

_How could they do this?! _She asked herself, swaying a little on the swing, rain saturated right through to her bones.

But even as she asked herself she was reminded. She didn't think her heart could take anymore, as the last shred of memories finally and so thoroughly corrupted every last fiber of her being.

Her mother's case.

Kate had fallen so far down that rabbit hole. Got too close, ignored the warnings and put her and Castle at risk. Roy was dead because of her. And at this point, the brilliant flashes of blue and ripping thunder above her... Kate succumbed to it.

She had to stop.

No matter how much her brain screamed at her to seek vengeance, find her answers, accuse everyone, hate them...she had to face the facts.

Everything happens for a reason...She didn't want to see them... She didn't want to understand why.

To keep her alive...

But sitting here... the severe ache in her chest, and his face appearing in her eyes, Kate knew she wasn't living... not without him.

Kate Beckett didn't care anymore... not if she wasn't sharing it with him.

She needed him in her life... why else was she continually remembering him?

Because she loved him.. All she wanted.. all she kept from herself, was Castle.

He was in her veins.

Richard Castle, was _meant _for her. Kate could see that now... So clearly.

It was as if someone had dangled her over the edge of a precipice. And she had to choose...Live...or truly _live._

* * *

The sound reverberated through the apartment when he slammed the door, dropping his soaked jacket as he strode through. It fell somewhere along the way, and Alexis picked it up, thumping down the stairs and seeing it as it as a puddle formed around it.

"Dad?!" She called to him, just as another slam seemed to shake through the walls. Alexis growled, as she caught a glance out the window, lightening flashing followed by a roll of thunder.

She stomped to his office, throwing open the door and placing her hands at her hips as she watched him grab angrily at his smart board remote.

"Where have you been?" She demanded, and he didn't bother turning around as the screen lit up and Kate's face became the center of attention.

"It doesn't matter." He replied, through his teeth and he sounded so defeated... more broken and resigned then she ever heard himself get.

He was giving up, giving in.

"The aquarium?" She asked, taking in his appearance.

His clothes were soaked through, droplets of the storm outside dripping from his hair and sliding down his face and into his eyes. He ignored them, only blinking them away and moving around his desk.

"_Again._.. and let me guess. She wasn't there?" Alexis accused. She knew she was right, upset at herself for being right because she saw what it did to him every time he came home.

Another day Gone.

Another day where he was nobody to her anymore.

His jaw tensed, and his head tilted further away from her as he tapped the screen.

Kate Beckett's entire case came to life, and it only seemed to egg Alexis on. Fuel her desires to just wake him up, make him _see _that this entire thing was useless.

"Dad." She said forcefully, the crack in her voice finally getting his attention, and he turned, his arm falling to his side and the remote nearly slipping from his conceded fingers. "You need to grow up!"

"You're right. " He agreed with a stern nod. "I do need to grow up," Castle looked back at the board, walking closer, "and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing, because everything that happened, happened because of _me_and I need to let her forget me." He tapped Kate's face, and everything went back into the folder, which he dragged to the trash pin at the bottom left corner. "I owe her that." He nearly whispered as he let the entire file, and Kate, disappear.

Alexis stared at him, eyes falling to his hand as it still remained hovering where he just...removed Kate from his life. But the young redhead found she didn't feel like she thought she would...Alexis was void of any relief...if not.. less hopeful...

"But does that make you _happy _?" She whispered, wanting to reach out to him, but she knew it wouldn't help...nothing could, unless Kate Beckett herself walked through that door.

Castle turned, his other hand lifting just enough to switch the board off, leaving the office nearly dark. And his blue eyes as they met hers, had her heart breaking.

He had lost the battle.

"Knowing she's alive and safe.. even if I can't be with her... is enough." He said, almost as if he could truly believe it. He _wanted _to. That much she knew.

"Dad. I-"

The doorbell rang, both their heads snapping in unison. She looked back at him as it rang again, and his eyes looked haunted, worried and confused all at the same time.

"I'll get it." She said, starting to move to the door.

"No." He said, voice finally coming back to him. "Go on up to bed, I'll get it." He kissed her forehead as he passed and she lingered only a moment, seeing his hand reach for the door, and then headed upstairs.

He could hear the wind and the rain, the thunder as it shouted it's warning out through the city, the lightning flashing as he opened the door. And when he saw who stood just outside it, he wasn't sure if it was his heart, or the thunder that now shook his entire body.

"Kate." He said before he could stop himself.

Her eyes flashed, green eyes wide and wandering as she searched him. His face, and his disheveled soaked appearance.

"Castle." She stated, if not unsure of herself as she too stood dripping, her hair saturated from the raging storm outside.

"You... you..." He stuttered.

"Yes." She said, stepping closer to him, but he packed up, "I know you..." She whispered, "I _know _you."

Castle shook his head, not believing his eyes and the words coming out of her mouth. "You can't... Kate you ca-"

"I feel as if I've been asleep..." She cut him off. "Maybe... my whole life as far back as I can remember..." She looked down at her hands, twisting her watch around her wrist, but then she stepped closer, reaching out...needing to _touch _him, know that he was actually standing in front of her.

He didn't back up this time, his eyes closing briefly at how near she was... the closest they have been since he held her dieing on the ground months ago. But when he opened them again, her eyes looked right into his, as if pulled there on some sort of cosmic string.

One he now believed was eternally linked to her.

And she found her proof, when her green eyes locked in the brightening depths of his blues.

"But _you_... " She gripped the front of his shirt, fingers slipping into the folds of his collar, and she leaned in, mouth open, hovering, and yet holding back. "There is something about you..." She whispered in what little space there was left, and she felt his hot breath against her lips, "I feel like...We _should _know each other.."

She looked at his lips, parted slightly, breaths coming out slow even though his chest heaved under her hands. "I haven't been able to shake the idea that we _do_..." Kate's hand uncurled from his shirt, and cupped his cheek. "When I dream of you..." She rubbed her thumb under his eye, and the feel of him... so solid... and real, against her skin, made her that much more certain that everything she'd been dreaming, had actually happened.

And she never wanted to let it go, never lose it again.

"Because...When I'm _with _you... I finally feel like I'm wide awake."


	19. Chapter 19

**Sorry I've been really really sick, but I'm feeling better so here you go.**

* * *

_**Chapter Nineteen**_

There are moments in our lives, however small and insignificant they may be, that lead up to a bigger, more grand picture.

There is always a story.

And even though he was written out of hers, there is still that chain of events...it may not make sense...or maybe it does, Castle realized, as she stepped further into him.

In the grander scheme of things, he _shouldn't _exist.

But as her hands slid down his face, moving to rest upon his beating heart, her fingers laid flat, palm flush with the rhythm for which he so willingly breathed for her, and she stared, as if seeing his heart pulse against his shirt.

That's when he saw her smile.

He was real.

Just like the buttons of his shirt, which she nimbly started toying with. The wrinkles in the fabric soaked to his skin. He was as real as the rain dripping down his face, mingling and colliding with one another, forging paths along his skin that would always find it's twin in the end.

Kate looked into his eyes, that crook of her mouth he never thought he'd see again, and he tentatively brushed his thumb along her cheekbone.

She was real.

Just like the soft, yet harsh lines of her cheeks under his thumb, the way she leaned into his touch, wet hair falling in a dripping cascade around his hand. The way it sent a chill of awareness through every nerve, told him, she was really here.

Everything about this moment, however impossible it was, in of itself, was that much more tangible. Neither wanted to move, or look away.

Just breathe and exist as one.

"I won't give you up," Kate cupped either side of his neck, leaning in and resting her nose against his. "I can't." She breathed against his face, seeing the lines once taunt with despair, go soft, and lax.

Castle closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he saw the raw intensity of her confession. Because it wasn't one.

It was a promise.

He closed the remaining distance, tugging her in by her neck, hand firm at her back, and pressed his lips soundly to hers. When he felt her gasp, mouth opening, so inviting, he thought he'd never felt so alive in his life.

She tasted divine. Like long lost memories and futures that had once turned to ash on his tongue. But now, as she moaned into him, gripping and clawing him ever closer, she was like his very own elixir.

She was the key to his heart.

The keeper of his soul.

But not even the universal sign of the moment, the lightning as it lit up his apartment, not the thunder that shook their core, could put a damper on their reunion, like the young women standing at the top of the stairs.

"You can't." The red head cried, hands gripping with white knuckles on the banister as she looked down at them.

It was as if someone had turned a spotlight on this forbidden meeting. And Kate, not letting go of his shirt, looked up at the girl with pleading eyes.

"Alexis." She said, voice barely making it over a rumble of thunder. "Please." Kate outwardly begged, moving around Castle, hand falling from his chest to take hold of his hand.

Alexis said nothing, standing as another flash lit her up, and they saw her shake her head. Kate moved forward, taking hold of the railing with her free hand, and climbing up one step.

Castle stood behind her, eyes wide and pleading into his daughters face.

Kate looked at him, squeezing his hand and pulling it to her chest before her eyes fell back on his daughter. "I can't let him go... not after all this... I can't lose him again." Her voice broke, and Alexis took a few steps towards them.

"No." She said, voice strong as she wiped at a tear moving rapidly down her cheek. "I mean... You can't let them win."

* * *

"What happened?" He asked, tugging her down the step as Alexis' door shut, a small echo in the rolling thunder around them.

Kate let go of his hand, sliding it once again up his chest, and stared at the buttons, just breathing in what little space was left between them, "I.." She flicked a button through the hole, seeing his drying skin underneath, the way it shimmered in the half light of the loft when she pulled the fabric away.

"Kate." He whispered, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, fingers weaving into the back of her head.

She looked up at him, blinking, eyes more green and vibrant than he'd ever seen them, "I was re qualifying." Another button, more room for her fingers, more expanse of his chest, his flesh open to her touch.

He watched, breath shallow, head tilted down as she closed her eyes, Trying to remember or gain something back... the shock of the moment... the feel of finally being back at work. Castle could see the struggle in the way her mouth twitched downward slightly, and she swallowed.

"I heard it..." She finally said, and she sounded so haunted. "The shot.. not mine. As I held my piece in my hand for the first time since..." She trailed off, fingers dancing along his wet skin, and he shivered under her touch, " I was brought back...to Montgomery's funeral...and... I saw _you._" Kate lifted her eyes, "But I didn't understand.. how could you be there?"

"They-"

"Shh." One finger fell over his lips, silencing him and she shook her head. "I'm not blind anymore." She said.

Kate didn't want to know... she just wanted to be in that moment for as long as possible. And she showed him, popping that last button through his shirt, finger catching on his lip, pulling it down slowly as her eyes drifted to the plump flesh.

He had been crumbling. Falling in on himself, and she wanted to do everything she could to fix it...she felt responsible...and she so badly wanted to say how sorry she was. But she knew she didn't have to, Kate could see this was enough...

She took his hand, fingers intertwining, and guided him away from the stairs towards his room. And when she stopped, back falling against the open doorway, Castle sighed. He drew a trembling breath, his body shaking with the overwhelming power of her. She was here.. and he still couldn't quite grasp it.

Kate smiled reassuringly at him, bringing their joined hands up and laid his palm over her chest. The other came up, caressing the side of his face with his thumb, "I see you, Castle." She spoke such truth, and she rose up on her toes, pressing a long, lingering kiss upon his mouth, all the while pushing his wet shirt from his shoulders.

They stood in the shadows of the loft, but her skin glowed with conviction, attentive at his face, soft and coaxing. And he answered her with every slow stroke of her tongue, hand now at the small of her back, pulling her into him. Kate moaned, keeping herself anchored to him, both clinging to the other.

She won't let him go.


	20. Chapter 20

_**Chapter Twenty**_

The rain beat down on the windows in a now calmer, lazy decent and Kate lay awake, lashes kissing her skin every so often as she watched him sleep.

One arm was curled up under her head, the pillow propped up by her hand that had fallen asleep since she'd awakened. Drawing in a slow breath, Kate blinked in the light, the darkness of the room where she had laid blinking, had soon drifted into a peaceful glow as the hours ticked by.

Her other hand itched, wanting to reach for him, feel his hot skin and muscles contract under her touch. She closed her eyes on a hum, stretching her fingers beneath the sheets, and curling them in the ruffled bed beneath her. She smiled, that small twitch of her lips, the slow curve, remembering how they were only hours ago, fisted in his hair.

With a long, satisfied sigh and flutter of her eyelids, Kate rolled over towards him, pulling her hand from beneath the sheets. The warmth chased her skin as it chilled in the air of his bedroom, reheated by the hot breath from her parted lips as she rested her chin on his chest.

It rose and fell less labored, less hurried and desperate. The sort of desperation she felt, peek and peeter out into a languid rhythm of a destined meeting.

With a sweep of her fingers, feather light at his hairline, Kate took in a quiet breath, the feel of his hair so soft and fitting between her long fingers. Tickling at her flesh and rising a tender yearning in her heart.

But it doesn't seem to be enough, just to touch, no matter how real and tangible it may be. The creases and contours of his face, under her attentive hands. Seeking and knowing, mapping out every line and wrinkle she knew she had caused. Whether she meant to or not.

But she knew now, one lone finger sliding down between his eyes, down the slope of his nose where she paused, watching his eyes move slowly behind his eyelids, that she could make up for it.

It was there, at the tip of her tongue, the longing in her heart that she needed to set free. She knew, by the look on his face, even though he slept so soundly, that he had been struggling.

He felt for her.

Or else why would he had suffered so greatly?

Not only had she heard the words uttered so desperately from his lips. But she felt it in him when he touched her. She could taste it in his kiss, and she wanted to soak up as much of it as she could..

Not only that but she wanted to...

"I love you." She whispered, pressing the tips of her fingers to his chin. Her heart swelling as a gasp escaped her lips at her own voice.

It sounded...new and unlike her, and yet, as though she had been saying it her whole life. Her heart beat with it, the familiarity of the words and every single thought and touch behind it.

"I love you, Castle." She said again, and this time his name drifted from her lips like a song. She smiled, her whole body tingling with awareness so overwhelming that she buried her face in his neck.

She wanted to cry.

Felt like she could wake up any minute and he wouldn't be there. Just another night with her eyes blinking in the darkness alone...

But he was there... wasn't he?

Kate pressed her mouth to his neck. Lingering and murmuring his name against his skin, soft and then urgent until he started to stir. She rose up, her hair falling down around his face and she took his cheeks in either hand as his eyes opened.

He looked like he couldn't believe it.

Had he been thinking the same thing? All of this was a dream and the moment they opened their eyes the moment would be gone and he wouldn't exist anymore?

"I love you." She soothed, caressing the side of his face.

"Oh, Kate." He whispered back, sitting up and covering her lips with his own. "Kate." He said again, his eyes so tightly closed she could see the worry and the relief and the intensity as she soon closed her own and opened her mouth to him.

"I'm right here." She reassured him, pulling back, her forehead resting upon his, noses brushing. "I won't let them take you away from me again."

His blue eyes bore into hers, misted over and the way he looked back caught in her chest. Tore at her heart for what this had done to him. She leaned back in, kissing him soundly sealing the reality of this moment with a moan and a sweep of her tongue with his.

Letting him taste the truth.

* * *

The sheets brushed past her calves as she got out of bed, slipping to the floor, toes curling along the carpet as she tiptoed to the chair, and gathered up one of his shirts draped over the back. She threw it on, the fabric sliding over her skin, arms warming in the hug of the cotton, and quietly left his room.

He was fast asleep, and the loft seemed to be sleeping as well. So hushed in the morning glow of the city shining in through the windows. The floor was cold under her bare feet, and she fisted the sleeves in her hands, tugging the hem as low as she could get it, but it seemed long enough, brushing at her mid thigh.

Looking cautiously about her, Kate found her way to his kitchen, eyes and ears peeled for any sign of life. But the coast seemed to be clear, and she let herself sigh, relaxing into the feel of his blue shirt resting lightly on her, and breathed in the smell of him.

She was smiling, covering it with her hand and feeling his entire being all around her. It was a moment she knew she had been waiting for, craving and it had finally come. But as the reality... the thoughts and memories of what brought her here, set in... the smile formed into a worried purse of her lips.

What would they do now?

Kate wondered, moving to the cabinets and searching for coffee mugs. Who was doing this to them? Kate knew why.. she didn't want to face it.. wished it was simple enough to just say.. to promise that she'd let her mother's case go.. but even as she opened up another cabinet door... it wasn't going to be that easy.

"On the left."

Kate Jumped, hand flying to her heart as she nearly slammed the door shut in surprise. She turned around to find the wise redhead sitting at the island, a knowing smirk on her face, and worry in her eyes.

"Martha I-"

The older women raised a hand, with a small shake of her head, she got up from the stool. "I knew you'd find your way back." She said, walking over and taking Kate's face into her hands. "You're stronger than them." She added, removing her hands and leaning past her to get the mugs.

"Who?" Kate asked, hearing them clink on the counter.

Martha's eyes darted to the bedroom door, and then back to Kate, her face now serious as she led Kate to the stool and sat her down. "Not even Richard knows..." She nearly whispered, going about fixing coffee.

Kate said nothing, watching his mother pour the coffee grinds into the filter, back to her. Martha was holding a grave secret, Kate could see. See it in the way the older women held herself, refusing to meet her eyes and when she did turn around, pressing the coffee maker on, it was all there.

Kate finally noticed how run down and tired Martha was. Actually looking her age.

Everyone was keeping secrets, but somehow, Kate found herself less angry at Martha. It was different.

She was a mother.

"I'm not going to keep it from him." Kate replied honestly.

And she wasn't. As badly as she wanted to hide from all this, they were in this together, they were going to face this standing together.

"I don't expect you too." Martha said, pushing a steamy cup of coffee into Kate's hands. She leaned her hip on the counter, bringing her own cup up to her lips as if to take a moment.

Gather herself for the bombshell she was about to lay on her.

But Kate was ready.

The older woman sighed, her shaking hands, both wrapped around the mug, came down, but she didn't let go. Her blue eyes, sharp and piercing like Castle's, stole into Kate's.

"His name, is Alexander." Martha said with a resigned sag of her shoulders. "And he's Richard's father."


	21. Chapter 21

_**Chapter Twenty - One**_

"Castle!" Kate yelled, flying up from her stool and rushing to him as he stumbled back into his door. He was doubled over, and she took hold of one arm, the other at his hair, pushing it away from his face and cupping his cheek.

He felt as though he'd been stabbed, his whole world turned upside down... or... he didn't even know. It was more than just lies, and his heart pounded in his ears, his skin crawling with disgust, disappointment, and betrayal.

"Richard." Martha's quavering voice finally broke through the thudding in his ears.

"_Don't_." He cut her off, his jaw tense and eyes locked on her as she walked around the counter.

But he didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to see the anguish on her face.

There was a whole _other _part of him out there. One he never really realized he was that curious about.

But hearing that she knew...Knew _exactly _who his father was... killed him.

And worse yet... His father was a monster.

It was bad enough he had never been there for him, but now...He was helping destroy the life Castle was trying to build for himself.

A life he insinuated himself into.

He had no right.

Every boyhood dream had been shattered. Every fantasy and story he cooked up, had now just been stomped on and choked to death.

He couldn't breath.

He was gasping for air, and Kate rubbed his back, leading him to the dining room chairs and sat him down. She knelt in front of him, hands on either side of his face, "Look at _me _." she said, voice strong, fingers soft at his ears.

He swallowed, head still down, and let her lift his head until their eyes met. Hers were swimming with unshed tears. Or maybe he couldn't see through his own. But he saw her passion which drove her here, and it seeped out through her fingers, calming is racing heart.

"Breath," she said, taking in a breathe, and he mirrored her, "That's it." Both let it out at the same time. And then she looked over at Martha, the redhead's face in her hands as she bent over the counter. 'You two _need _to talk."

"Don't go." He pleaded, taking hold of her wrists. He wasn't going to let her go now.. not after all they've been through, not for what they both just heard.

Kate leaned in pressing a soft kiss to his lips, pulling far back enough where their foreheads still touched and she could see his eyes as they closed. "I have to...I'm being watched...there's."

_Eyes everywhere._

She wanted to say, but she couldn't, swallowed it down and kissed him once more, "I'll be back... I promise... I'll find a way to get back here or..."

"The aquarium." He said

She nodded, though she was not quite sure even that was safe. Not when she knew exactly who Alexander was.. not when he knew what he knew and did what he did.

Castle stood up, hands sliding down her arms and brought Kate into him. Burying his nose in her hair, he wrapped both arms around her, feeling her shaking against him... or was it him?

"You come back to me, okay?" He asked.

Kate inhaled, sharp and it caught in the growing lump in her throat. "Always." She whispered into his neck, smoothing her hands up his chest, until she reached his face again.

She couldn't stop holding his face. It held everything dear to her. His eyes showed her every truth she'd once denied. And looking into them now, she had to show him her own. "I'll _always," _she said, moving back in, her lips parted as they hovered over his. "Find my way back to you." She breathed into him, sealing her promise with a kiss.

* * *

Kate stood in the doorway of her apartment. She hadn't been there since yesterday morning, and standing there now, a bag of her wet clothes in one hand, her gun at her hip and his shirt hanging over a pair of Alexis' yoga pants that chased a little too far up her ankles; the place felt completely different to her now.

Her eyes darted to her bookshelf...

Where she now knew his entire book series was missing. Where were they now? She wondered as she let the bag slip from her shoulder in a heap on the floor. Someone had to have come in here and removed all traces of him...

She felt violated, as she moved farther in, fingers pressing to the scar hidden by her hair. How did they do it...she thought, kneading her fingers into the thin line...And the more she pressed, the more she moved into her home, the more her anger rose. She had been muffling it since she heard his name uttered from Martha.

Alexander.

That Bastard.

He'd been watching her all this time. He knew _exactly _when she'd been remembering, because she told him herself in therapy. A place she thought she was safe with her thoughts, feelings and struggles.

Kate didn't feel safe _anywhere _anymore.

She couldn't think of one place, aside from Castle's. The place where she sought salvation and found it in the circle of his arms. There was nowhere else she could feel like herself again.  
Not here and certainly not at the 12th...

Kate found herself in her room, staring at her empty bed, the sheets still pulled down a little since the last time she was in it.

And what was she to do now? How was she going to continue going to work, seeing the boys and Lanie. She didn't want to even look at them. She didn't want to understand why they kept this from her..

Went along with it...

She didn't want to know if they even had a choice.

Kate gritted her teeth, making a sound in frustration and yanking her sheets back, but the sudden jerk pulled at her skin, and she let go, hand flying to her chest. She held her hand there, eyes slammed shut as the pain stabbed at her as if it was severely fresh.

It felt like her skin was being ripped from her bullet wound. Pulled taut as the fire shot to her heart, searing in the scar at her side and seeping into her veins. It was as if raw flames of agony had burst to life across her skin, and no amount of pressure could squelch it.

And when the horrible nightmare had subsided to a dull ache, she straightened, taking in a few ragged breaths, and made her way into the bathroom.

Her reflection once glowing with happiness, was now stained white, blanched by the pain that still throbbed it's constant reminders of her failure. And it flew past without her notice as she opened the cabinet and reached for her medication.

Taking hold of the bottle, she popped the cap with her thumb, and shook two of the capsules into her hand. She pushed the mirror shut, still ignoring her reflection, and swapped the orange container for a little cup on the sink before turning on the faucet.

She didn't want to feel this pain anymore, and once the cup was filled, she lifted her hand to her mouth, eyes finally locking with her twin in the mirror before she tipped her head back.

One. Two.

Into her mouth, laying there on her tongue as she lifted the water to her lips. But she was shaking, the fear of the pain setting in, the cup quivering at her lips as she downed the cup...

And spit it right back out.

The water and the pills squirting all over the sink, the mirror, and the wall behind it.

She stared at herself in horror through the water as it slithered down the glass. Her hand came up to her mouth, sobs starting to wrack her body at what she had almost done.

Kate screamed, throwing the bottle against the walls, the pills spilling and skittering all over the bathroom, and went in for the rest of them. Dumping the entire contents of her medicine cabinet, emptying every last pill bottle, medication _he _prescribed her for sleep, and washed it down the drain.

And when she was finished, various capsules and bottles littering her bathroom, it wasn't enough.

Her entire mouth felt tainted and so she stuck her tongue under the faucet, drowning out the remains of the killer of her soul.

She swished it around, adding toothpaste until her mouth stung, and her cheeks hurt. And when she spit it out, water still dripping from the mirror, Kate sunk to the floor and buried her head in her knees.

Kate didn't know how long she sat there, back against the wall and her destruction at her feet. But what she did know, pulling herself up by the towel rack above her head, was that she needed to do something.

He needed to be stopped.

Finding her feet, her legs shaking underneath her, Kate made her way out of the bathroom through her room, and into the rest of her apartment where she grabbed her bag from the middle of the floor.

She was going to take her life back.

It wasn't _anyone _elses to decide, and she shoved her hand in the bag, fishing around until her hand wrapped around her phone. The bag slipped down her arm, landing with a thud at her feet, and she touched at the screen, searching through her contacts until she found the right one.

"Yes, this is Kate Beckett with the NYPD." Kate said into the receiver, a look of pure determination on her face. "I'd like to speak to Jordan Shaw."


	22. Chapter 22

_**Chapter Twenty Two**_

It had been a few hours.

Every minute that ticked by made him feel more and more like she wasn't going to come back. And he'd been sitting in his room, the chair by the window now occupied by his brooding form, and sulked, staring out at the city below.

His mother had disappeared up to her room, with a somber slide of her hand up the banister as she made her way up the stairs. She had sighed dejectedly, glancing only briefly his way before he had turned and walked out of the kitchen.

At this point he didn't really care.

It didn't matter what she had said. It didn't change the fact that she lied to him...kept such a nasty secret from him...helped that..._man _destroy the one thing Castle had fought so hard to keep.

He was too angry to find the logic in why she had to do it. Why they _all _had to. Because he knew that neither of them had a choice.

But it wasn't theirs to make.

"Don't be mad at her, dad." Castle looked up to find Alexis in the doorway, her blue eyes bright with tears, and her hair a mess around her face.

She heaved a great sigh, her shoulders rising and falling as she tilted her head to one side and pleaded with him. Her lips set in a purse, her arms wanting to come up and cross over her chest but she held them at her sides, fingers twitching with the effort to stay open.

And then she sighed again, as if in defeat when he tensed his jaw and looked back out the window. His own fierce unforgiving eyes stared back at him, and he heard his daughter cross the room, and settle on the edge of the bed.

He wished it was that easy.

But his heart ached.

It throbbed in his chest, trying to beat through the pain of being lied to...the complications this new information arose for him and Kate. What they were going to do, how they were going to stay together.

But every time he thought of a way, his heart fluttering just a little...it was beat back down with the awful realization...that there just might not be one...

Just like before...before they stole her from him, when he opened the case and they went in too deep...

But they were deeper now weren't they?

All the options to keep her off the case had been exhausted... and he didn't seem to think a simple, "_I won't look into it anymore,"_would suffice.

"This is more complicated than you realize." He said, and his voice came out in a rasp, as if he hadn't spoken for days.

"But dad."

"No, Alexis." He seethed, getting up from the chair and standing before her, towering over his little girl.

Because that's what she was. And she needed to quit acting like she was the parent.

She didn't understand the ramifications of this situation. It was bigger than her, bigger than _all _of them.

This was not something he wanted for her. And he couldn't help but think that everything was entirely his fault. He didn't want this to drag her down with him...and he needed to do something.

"This does not concern you." It hurt, to speak to her like that, his eyes dark and his face stern as he stared down at her face. Shocked at the tone that rose in him as his hands fisted at his sides.

She looked at him with disbelief, slowly standing from the bed and fixing him with narrowed eyes, mouth parted in a grimace. "Then I'm going." She said. And brushed past him, her hair flying wildly behind her as she stomped out of his room.

"Where are you going?!" He yelled to her, following her out into the rest of the loft. She stopped in the middle of the kitchen, whirled around with hurt, disdainful eyes, and he was almost thrown back by the glare that had so stubbornly found it's permanent home on her face.

"Why do you care?!" She screamed at him, throwing her arms out. "All you care about is _Kate_!" She cried, actual tears spring to her eyes and one escaped down her flushed cheeks. She wiped at them furiously, turning back to climb the stairs but he closed the distance between them, pulling on her arm and tugging her into his chest.

His arms wrapped around her, nearly crushing her to his trembling body, forcing her head into his chest with one hand while the other held her firm at her back. "Don't you _ever _think that." He said, his cheek pressing into her hair.

They stood there a long time.

Father and daughter embraced in a battle within each other. But both knew in the end, as Alexis squeezed him a bit tighter before shifting in his arms, that they were going to be okay... things were hard, but they were going to make it.

"I am really going to go, dad." Alexis finally said, voice soft as she leaned back and wiped at her eyes.

Castle sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead and laying his cheek there, pulling her in again. "I know, pumpkin..." He caressed her hair, bringing his hand up again and repeating the motion, not sure if he was soothing more himself, or her.

"You have to let me go." She said even though she contradicted herself by clutching at his shirt.

"I know." He said again, and this time he did let her go, holding her at arms length so he could look sincerely into her eyes, "I need you to be somewhere safe." Castle squeezed her shoulders in his hands, his thumbs rubbing along her shirt.

Alexis nodded, eyes dropping, and he knew she understood. Despite her feelings about the subject, she knew the danger, and would do anything he thought was best to keep her safe.

His hands slipped from her arms, and she made her way towards the stairs, one hand holding onto the railing as she took a step, but she stopped, and turned, staring down at the step for a moment.

He let her take her time, seeing a grave struggle chase across her features before she finally looked at him. "I don't hate her." She said.

Castle let out a heavy sigh, as if one of the many weights had been lifted, and gave her a small smile. "She makes me happy." He breathed.

Alexis nodded, her own little smile, that didn't quite reach her eyes, but he knew it was a start. "In fact," she started, flipping her hair out of her face with a nudge of her head. "I think..." She trailed off.

His heart was pounding, seeing multiple things in his daughters eyes, but he couldn't quite understand. "What is it?"

"She's not supposed to know who you are dad..." Her head tilted to one side, and her eyes averted up for only a moment before they locked with his, and his heart rose with what he saw there, pounding in agreement even before she spoke. "And it makes me think... that... You two are _meant_ to be together."

* * *

He moved to the door quickly, nearly tripping over his own feet and stumbling, chest thudding into the door, the knob pressing into his gut. Castle grimaced, rubbing at the spot as he opened the door.

"Meredith?" He asked, seeing the flash of red, her back to him as he continued to rub his side, head tilted and brows knit in confusion.

She turned, wisps of her long red hair fanning out around her, and when she stopped, the thick curling locks resting in around her face, she smiled, eyes wide and it caught in his chest, the radiance as it lit up her entire face.

"Well are you just going to stand there?" She asked, one hand falling to her hip as she flipped her hair over her shoulder.

He fixed her with a look, eyes wide until they narrowed into dangerous slits and he growled. "Take off that ridiculous wig, so I can kiss you properly."

She smiled, pushing her hand up into the curls, "What this? I kinda like it."

He shook his head, grabbing at her wrist and pulling her into him, slamming the door and pushing her up against it. "I _love _brunette," He said, taking hold of the wig and fisting it in his hand, dragging it down until her own, chocolate, caramel tendrils spilled out.

"I was hoping you'd say that." She hummed, a sexy dip in her voice as he tossed the wig carelessly behind him, and captured her mouth as she opened them to say something else.

She was muffled, her words turning into a deep moan as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him and and feasting on him as if she'd been starving for days and not mere hours.

"Kate." He breathed against her lips, the vibration of his relief flitting across her top lip, catching in the beat of her heart, setting it a stutter.

She clung to him, her hand smoothing into his hair, sliding down over his broad shoulders as he cupped her smaller one, guiding her into lashes fluttered, hand spread out along his strong back, the other falling down to grip at his waist, anchoring her down as she buckled.

Castle stepped into her, holding her up with a press of his thighs between her legs. Kate gasped her mouth falling open, head back and suddenly he stopped, face in her neck, and just... breathed her in.

"I called..." She panted against him, slipping and falling further onto his thigh.

"Hmm?" He asked, peppering her neck once more, soft, and slow.

"Jordan." She finally got out, taking in another breath, swallowing as his hands drifted along her jaw.

He pulled back, eyes wide with surprise, "Jordan Shaw?"

She pursed her lips, a small smile playing along them and nodded her head. "The very one."

"What did she say, what's she going to do?" He inquired further, hands cupping her cheeks as his heart started beating with new found hope.

"I don't know.. I didn't get to speak directly to her... but... she knows, Rick... " Kate said, kissing him softly, fingers tender along his cheekbone. "Maybe she can back us up...give us protection."

* * *

Jordan Shaw walked into her office later that afternoon. Every light was flashing on her desk phone, and her computer was littered with sticky notes inquiring about information, meetings and people needing to get in touch with her.

She sighed, pushing her hair behind her ears, leaning over her desk chair to at least attempt a glimpse at some of the notes before she went home. Her eyes scanned the various numbers and names, but one caught her attention more than the others.

"Agent Shaw?" A voice came over the intercom, just as Jordan peeled the note from her computer.

"What is it?" She asked, eyes flitting briefly to the phone resting annoyingly at her desk, before they landed back on the note. Her fingers stuck the the glue, hand raised up in the light as she stared at it in utter curiosity, her mind reeling at the implications.

"Your daughters on the phone."

Jordan straightened, Thank you." She said, letting the note still gripped in her fingers rest at her side.

"Your welcome, Line two."

She picked up the phone her manicured finger pressing the button for line two, and she shook her head to get her hair out of the way before bringing it to her ear. "Hello sweetie, yes mommy is on her way right now." The redhead spoke sweetly into the phone, cradling the phone on her shoulder as she collected her bag. "Yes, you get me for the whole weekend." She promised pushing the note into her pocket, "No interruptions...I love you, see you soon." She said, pulling her hand from her pocket to hang up the phone.

The note feathered down to the floor, resting upon the carpet as the FBI agent moved swiftly out of the room, switching off the light oh her office. And as her feet disappeared from sight, the lights shining in from the rest of the floor, catching at the pitch black ink and shimmering across the letters, revealing just three words.

_Call Kate Beckett._


	23. Chapter 23

_**Chapter Twenty Three**_

The coffee lay still in the cup, both her hands clutching on either side, seeking the warmth as it burned her flesh. But she hardly noticed, hip leaning against the counter as Castle drew closer, the slap of the fridge door closing and his close proximity waking her senses.

"You okay?" He asked softly, pouring cream into her coffee.

She said nothing, watching as the milky white liquid mixed and swam within the confines of the cup like clouds of a coming storm.

It rose something in her...a panic...or maybe it was a delayed reaction. Bubbling just below the surface. It was rolling in, thundering through her veins. It was an eye of the coming storm, and she was terrified of what the actual onslaught would bring.

And before she knew it, she was putting her cup down, and when he turned back to her, she flung her arms around him, cheek to his chest, clinging to him.

He held her close, his strong arms around her, acting like her shelter from the rain. "Kate, what's wrong?"

She took in a breath, a strangled inhale, caught in her throat by an impenetrable force. "I almost lost you." She said, voice muffled in his chest as she tightened her hold.

"I'm right here." He whispered, resting his cheek on her hair.

And she felt the lump loosen, pushed back and soothed by his words, his arms as they held her safe, encompassed by everything him. He helped her breath again, just keeping her close like this, and she sank deeper into him.

"He's my Therapist." She blurted out, after a few minutes of silence. The freedom of her inner turmoil, the thought of his father played such an large part in her life. And now she had to tell him, tell him that she's met him, knows what he looks like...

Castle said nothing at first, but she could feel his heart stop for a moment, until it was the only the sound in her ear aide from his hand as he smoothed it over her hair. And then he stopped, as if he had finally registered what she said... even though she could practically hear his thoughts reeling in his head.

"What?" He said, his body tensing and yet he didn't let go, continuing the smooth rhythm along her hair, from her scalp down to her back and up again. Soothing himself, keeping busy, she didn't know.

She leaned back, looking at his chin, the way his mouth closed as he swallowed and his jaw clench. "My pills, Castle." Kate fell farther back, supported by his arms locked protectively around her. And she looked at him, eyes searching his as the memory of their natural back and forth flowed between them.

She watched as that familiar look flitted across his face, set stubbornly in his eyes, and she lost him, just for a moment as he slipped into deep thought, before he started theorizing: "There's something in your pills..."

She nodded, jumping in with a raise of her eyebrows. "But I didn't know which one... I went to take my pain meds and I realized..." She choked on a sob, still tasting the pills mixed with water on her tongue. It was like poison, coating the inside of her mouth. Acidic and it could have burnt a hole in her soul.

But he was here...his voice filled her mind and he was tangible against her. Solid and warm, and Kate sighed, hiccuping through another sob, her head falling forward into his chest as she clutched his shirt.

"Oh Kate." He drew her in, nearer, as close as he could get her without crushing her trembling body.

"The receptionist.." She then said, falling back once more, searching in his eyes as if they held the answer. "I've seen her before...at my physical therapy...and then at mandatory therapy before I was reinstated." She said staring through him and not into him.

"I ... I almost.." Tears burning at her eyes, pooling in slitted lids as she tried to hold onto them. But that wall in her throat was rebuilding, suffocating her. But she lost the battle, let them break through and stream down her face.

Castle pushed her hair behind her ear, fingers light and soothing along her cheekbones before she he wiped the moisture away with his thumbs.

"But you didn't." He consoled, kissing her forehead, and bringing her into him once more, "I'm still _here._" He said, pressing his hand over her heart.

* * *

She curled her leg under her, elbow propped up on the back of the couch with her head resting in her hand. He mirrored her, both turned in towards each other, and he took her hand, rubbing it softly over the top in smooth circles.

"You missed work." He said without pausing. His voice was low, as if he'd been thinking of other things... mind preoccupied even though his attention was on her.

Kate nodded her head, looking down at the way he so easily touched her, it was simple, and yet...new, setting her heart all aflutter, the corners of her mouth twitching into an almost shy smile. "I called Ryan..."She trailed off, feeding her other hand in her hair, head tilted to one side as she searched his face.

Castle did finally pause, his eyes looking into hers, "What did you tell him?" He asked voice rising with interested and worry.

"That I was having chest pains..." She squeezed his hand, "It's not completely a lie."

He looked down, his eyes falling to her chest, the skin peeking out of the v neck shirt. "It still hurts?"

"Sometimes." She admitted. "But I'm really okay." She reassured, even more by pulling his hand up, and resting it over her chest.

Kate didn't know how many times she'd have to keep showing him that she was okay... but for the look on his face, the utter concern and love dripping in those blues of his... She wouldn't care if she had to do it every day for the rest of her life.

He nodded his head, finger curling in her shirt, but he didn't pull it down. Just remained where it was, feeling the warmth radiate from her skin, evidence of her life underneath his fingertips.

"How's Martha?" She asked tentatively after a while, because she could see the hurt still buried beneath the surface.

But he deflected everything that had to do with that one inquiry. And instead asked a question of his own, "How was your first day with the new Captain?" And then he laughed, a tiny spark in his eyes, "Victoria _Iron _Gates, was it?"

Kate looked at him, seeing the denial and his reluctance to talk about his father. And yet, he wasn't hiding it when he looked up at her. His face was set in a forced playful manner, but soft around the eyes, pleading.

She let it go...knowing he would in his own time.

Kate sighed, "She's... _Different_. " But even as she said it she could tell he picked up the subtle tone in her voice.

"That good, huh?" He teased.

"She wouldn't let me have my gun, and she put me on desk duty." She said with a roll of her eyes, "I want my partner." She then admitted with a smile, and she squeezed his hand, seeing him really smile as he continued his smooth caress on the back of her hand.

"And the boys?" He asked hopefully. "Do they miss me?" He asked, but then lowered his gaze, realizing that she wouldn't have been able to talk about him with them.

"Ryan and Espo were finishing up a case... let me in on the closing, I got to see them in action for the first time in three months."

Castle smiled at her, "Must have been nice." He said, but he sounded a bit sad, jealous.

"I wish you were there with me...it wasn't the same before, something was missing, but I didn't know what...now I do..." Her head lifted away from her hand, watching as it slid along the top of the couch, fingers extended towards his face, and his cheek rested in her palm. "Nothing is going to be the same."

* * *

Kate climbed out of his bed at 4am the next morning. He was fast asleep his hand over his stomach with the sheets hanging loosely over him. They were twisted at his ankles, he had been turning in his sleep just a bit ago, dreaming of things that still terrified her in her waking hours. And she had tried her best to calm him. Hand smoothing the hair from his forehead which was sweaty as he fought the nightmares.

But he seemed okay now.

The lines of his face smoother and less pained, and she wished as she pulled her shirt on over her head, tugging her hair free, that he was coming with her.

One day he would again.

They'd get out of this... somehow and he'd be handing her coffee instead of her having to fix her own.

She looked back at the bed, arms raised as she tied her hair up into a messy bun, and walked back, leaning over him to brush at his brow. His skin twitched under her touch, and she smiled, pressing a kiss to his forehead before leaving.

It felt a bit strange, and yet exhilarating to be pouring herself a coffee from _his_ coffee maker, and the locking the door to _his _loft on her way out.

And she wondered, as she took his elevator down to the ground floor. If she would be here...doing this with him, if she hadn't forgotten in the first place.

* * *

The air was chilled as she stepped out of her crown vic, her breath evident around her in thick white wisps as she took in a breath, and then exhaled. If it wasn't for the red and blue lights flashing around the area, Kate wouldn't really be able to see.

The sky had clouded over once again, hiding the moon from all of New York City, and she felt forlorn that she didn't even have the brilliant glow above to light her way.

"What have we got?" She asked, ducking under the yellow tape for the first time in nearly 4 months. But stopped when she saw Lanie, looking down with a confused expression. "Where's the body?"

Lanie looked up from the ground, "Excellent question."

Ryan joined them, a hand at Kate's elbow welcoming her back, followed by Esposito who gives her a nod. Lanie gave the boys each a look, eyes darting between them and flicking to Kate briefly, but not so subtly before she took in a breath and looked to Kate.

"You mean there's no body?"

"Nope just lots of blood, whoever it is there's no way they survived. " Lanie said as she took blood samples, her blue gloves shining in what little light there was in the alley.

"Where did they go?" Ryan asked, flipping a page over in his little notebook.

Lanie looked up at him, "We could use a crazy theory right now."

Kate looked over beside her, body pivoting away from the blood pooled in the alley. Her brow furrowed and her lip came between her teeth when she realized Castle wasn't there to give them one.

"What are you looking for?" Esposito asked, everyone else looking where Kate was.

"Nothing...nothing..." Kate said shaking her head and looking down at the coffee in her hand... "Get CSU out here...canvas the area." She added before she turned, coffee held in both hands.

Esposito, Ryan and Lanie watched as Kate went back to her car, and then shared a look between them, knowing exactly who she was searching for.


	24. Chapter 24

_**Chapter Twenty Four**_

Kate stared at the chair Karpowski had dragged away, that now rests by someone else's desk. It shared her attention with the coffee cup held tightly in both hands. But it was getting cold, just like the icy feeling seeping into her veins and hugging at her bones.

She couldn't bring herself to go get it, drag that chair back where it belonged. To see him sitting there in his rightful place, watching her creepily, or playing on his phone. Nor could she make herself get up to refill her cup with fresh hot coffee, despite how bad it tasted.

She missed the espresso machine...the cups from Remy's that would be placed down on her desk when he came in.

But he wouldn't be.

And she sat there at her desk, laconic. Ignoring the murder board next to her, the ringing phones, and all the other people on this floor.

It was as if they didn't exist.

They didn't seem to deserve her attention when all she wanted to do, and the only person she wanted to see...was supposedly erased from their lives.

And she was forced to act as such.

Ryan and Esposito were at their own desks, every now and then she felt their eyes on her, silently guarding her, or regarding her with a new light. She wondered, as she tried desperately not to glare at them, not give in to the utter disappointment and betrayal boiling just below the surface, if they knew who she was looking for today.

Thinking back on it now... Kate had never really been as subtle as she thought she'd been when waiting for Castle. Maybe it was just her. That deep rooted denial, that stubborn streak in her that would hide away.

But she wasn't really now was she?

The only thing she was hiding from...was the world. And she did it now feeling unattached and distant from her partners, her best friend, so she could keep the one thing she had denied herself all these years.

Did she want to have to choose?

No of course not.

But she had to do it. She had to stick up for her own heart for once. Even if it meant everything else was a lie.

"Hey Beckett?!" Ryan called as he got up from his desk.

Kate looked up, her cup rising to her lips, the cold liquid tasting bitter against her tongue as she tipped it back.

"The three of us are going out for drinks tonight." He said cheerfully, looking between Espo and himself and back at her hopefully. "We thought you'd want to join us?" He asked, his eyes so sincere and pleading. "Jenny will be there." He then added, as if it was the cherry on the top.

Kate lowered the cup, pursing her lips and looked over at Castle's chair, and then back. "I think I'm just going to go home tonight.." She said, and her heart broke when she saw the Irishmen sink back into his chair and the hopefulness in his eyes slip away.

Esposito, turned around, having only been listening, "_Come on_, Beckett." He said with an edge in his voice and a furrow of his brows.

She watched as he crossed his arms, and Ryan who stared at him, nod his head subtly, begging him with his eyes to just let it go.

And Kate couldn't help herself. Not with everything she's been dealing with. Not with these two continuing to treat her as they do, knowing what they know.

"I said no." She bit out at them, standing briskly from her desk, nearly knocking the chair back as she gathered her jacket, and stormed to the elevator. She pressed at the button severely, gritting her teeth in attempts to not turn around and scream at them. Defend herself and everything she's lived for.

But she didn't.

She bit her tongue and moved briskly into the elevator, letting slip a glare at the two of them as they remained dumbstruck.

And they watched her go, both staring in terror at the realization, that she was hiding the same thing they had been hiding from her.

* * *

The morgue housed more than just the deceased this evening. Two detectives stood amongst the dead, looking to the medical examiner for answers to questions they were not so sure of themselves.

How much does she remember?

Has she gone to him?

What do they do?

Do they do anything?

And their voices echoed down the empty hallway.

Angry, scared, quiet whispers that even in the privacy of the lowest floor of the precinct, could still be heard as it filtered through the double doors, and seeped like a dark thick cloud of lament down the dark passageway.

It was after hours, the only other people milling about were the night watchmen, and a few janitors. Every now and then, one of the staff would look up, as a voice rose over the music coming from his earplugs, and met his ears as he washed the floor. But he would shake his head and continue on with his nightly duties.

Did they know how desperate and broken they sounded? As the M.E paced in front of the two detectives, arms crossed over her chest. Neither seemed to want to talk to each other at this point, And Lanie tapped her fingers on her elbow, staring them both down as they looked away from each other.

They were _all _guilty.

But for what they were not fully aware of.

Was it to truly protect her... had they actually exhausted all their options or was it because they had given in out of fear?

It is the fear of the unknown that drives us into hiding. Makes us submissive to those we are born to believe are the aggressors. And we oftentimes forget what's really important.

We are all plagued by our own free will. And they let them take it away from her. Because they were led to believe it was right.

But it wasn't, was it?

It couldn't be if they stood there amongst each other, brokenhearted and beat down. They _were _guilty, and they deserved to feel as such.

Now it was time to act. To redeem themselves.

Lanie Parish had already made up her mind back in the murky tunnels of the aquarium. She was going to fight for Kate and Castle...

Because who were _they _to get in the way of something that was obviously meant to be?

Kate was strong. Stronger than all of them, and they should all be led by her example. She'd been through enough and had always managed to come out of it.

She deserved a break.

She deserved someone like Castle.

"I'll tell you, what _I'm _going to do." Lanie finally began to answer the questions that had been hanging like misplaced tension in the air between them, since Ryan uttered them more than ten minutes ago.

Ryan's head snapped towards her, jolting out of his own inner thoughts, her voice piercing the silence around them. She looked at him first, her brown eyes softening briefly for the Irishmen who seemed to be struggling more with this than she thought. It was there in his weary blue eyes, and she saw it every time Jenny was around.

They were both weighed down greatly by this regretful decision. They all were. And Esposito felt it all but showed nothing...he stood firm, as a big brother would, forcing himself to believe what he agreed to was the right thing to do.

He'd always been Kate's silent protector, but now was the time to speak up. Now was the time to fix what they had unknowingly helped ruin.

Because this was bigger than them.

It wasn't just one life altered, one life forgotten. It was _many _ lives coexisting, and dying out _together._

They didn't just take her life from her, they took it from all of them.

There weren't anymore, what ifs, maybes and hopefuls left. There were no other things to look forward to. It was all just...Gone.

Extinguished.

The fire had gone out of them. And without it, there was just no point.

They might as well be sleeping, because there, at least they were living up to something more than they did now.

Esposito finally turned to her, his eyes had gone shockingly soft in a matter of minutes. And his shoulders sagged with defeat. But he looked to her, as a man willing to set things right.

And when she knew she had their full attention, she took in a deep breath, that Lanie demeanor shining through with the raise of one eyebrow, tilt of her head and a set of her jaw.

"I'm going to give Kate her life back."

* * *

Lanie's heels clicked along the hallway tiles, the sound piercing and sharp as she led the way to the exit. Esposito and Ryan followed after her, passing a janitor whose earphones were blasting around his neck, and he looked up briefly, giving the small group a nod as they entered the lobby.

"Have a good night you three." The night guard said behind the desk, his feet propped up lazily as he watched the monitors.

Ryan gave him a wave, Esposito nodding his head, as Lanie barely looked his way and pushed through the doors into the night air. When they were gone, the precinct once again falling into the hush of the night, the guard let his feet drop to the floor, pushing out of his chair and meeting the janitor at the door.

"Did you get all that?" The guard asked, as the janitor leaned against the stick of the mop, turning off his music.

"I did, I'll report to _him _in the morning."

"Good." The guard replied with a satisfied grin, clapping the janitor on the shoulder for a job well done, before returning to his post.


	25. Chapter 25

_****_**I'd like to take a minute to thank all of you who have read, reviewed, faved/followed this story. THANK YOU!**

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty Five**_

"What do you want me to tell you Kate?" Castle had asked after a long silence. They had been on the couch, after a dinner together, just them.

Alexis had left, like she said she would. To a friend's house up state, and Martha.. well.. Kate knew the older woman was ashamed of herself, and had slipped out unnoticed. But now as his sharp blue eyes looked down at her, fingers in her hair, Martha walked in, freezing in the middle of the kitchen.

Castle's hand stopped briefly as he looked over at his mother, eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth, as if to prove an even greater point. "They met one night, they had sex, she got pregnant," His voice was harsh, and Kate heard Martha gasp and then the sound of the older woman's heels clicking across the floor as she tried to flee the scene.

"Rick." Kate scolded, pulling away from him and sitting up on the couch, "Martha, wait." She called to the redhead, whose retreating back paused on the steps. But she didn't turn around.

Castle sighed, his fists clenching at his sides and he went to get up from the couch. But Kate grabbed his hand, lacing her fingers through his as she looked up at him, "Go get some air... clear your head." She told him softly, squeezing his hand.

He said nothing, looking into the deep green eyes of Kate, before narrowing them and throwing a look to his mother who had come back down the stairs, and was pouring herself a glass of wine.

Kate squeezed his hand again, and he finally nodded, bending down and kissing her on the forehead before grabbing his jacket and leaving without another word.

"I don't blame him... the way he's acting." Martha said when Kate adjusted herself on the couch, arm over the back as she watched his mother make her way to her. "It's no more than I deserve."

Kate shook her head, "You don't deserve it... we can't help who we fall in love with." She said softly, truthfully as she thought to the man who was walking sullenly down the streets of New York.

And just like she knew Martha didn't deep down, Kate did not regret the choice her heart made.

Martha nodded her head, lips pursing for a moment as she clapped a hand over one of Kate's and looked into her eyes with the wisdom Kate always knew she possessed. "I loved a lifetime the night I met him."

* * *

It sounded like a tragic love story, Kate thought, as she entered her apartment after a long day at work. She had decided, that maybe it wasn't safe to keep showing up at his place.. that tonight, they would just have to bare it apart.

They would meet up tomorrow at the aquarium. Both agreeing as they stole just a little more time together, Kate hugging him tightly to her, and trying to convince him to not be so upset with his mother. He seemed a bit better as she kissed him goodbye outside the elevator before it took her to the ground floor.

And he held onto her until the very last minute, arms stretched through the elevator doors before they closed, and he was forced to let her go.

Kate flexed her hand, still feeling his palm flat against hers.

But now, as she turned on all her lights, walking into her room and flicking on the one in her bedroom, Kate thought of a younger Martha. An aspiring actress who met Alexander at the plaza.

And it didn't really matter about the details. Only that, they were two strangers who connected, and fell in love in one night.

And he couldn't stay.

A naive nineteen year old Martha had been swept from her feet by a man who could not give her a reason. She had no idea who he was... never learned his last name and never saw him again after that night.

Nine months later...Richard Alexander Rogers was born.

And the only thing she regretted, for she would never regret the gift that one night brought her, was that her recklessness had caused her son so much pain.

* * *

Kate set her tea on the sink, turning and taking in the mess she had made the day before. It seemed more of a disaster zone now than it did yesterday. Water stains shone on the wall behind the mirror, which was splattered with dried droplets. And the floor, along with the sink, was littered with various orange medication bottles, and pills.

It made her feel like a mental patient, a science experiment, and she wanted to scream, shaking fingers locking around a capsule, while her other hand pushed into her hair, nails nearly scratching at the incisions she now knew was made to further confuse her mind. It made her skin crawl. Like they were still inside her head, waiting, and that any moment, something more than this pill in her hand could blow it all away.

She couldn't stand the sight of them... let alone feel them in her fingers as she started to collect them. Each one was deadly, each tiny pill, not sure which ones, were laced with a killer.

And she collected them as quickly as she could, popping them back into the bottles, and then throwing them into the kitchen trash. And Kate stood there, hand on her hip while her teeth clamped down on a fingernail, staring... just staring at the trash that held the end of her world.

It wasn't enough.

She didn't want them in her home...and she swept the trash bag right out of the bin, tying it up with attentive fingers until not even she herself could untie it.

New York City was cold that evening, the approaching winter tugging at her coat as she stood out on the sidewalk, pushing the trash bag into the dumpster. She could barely hear the static of the flimsy bag over the rushing wind and the cars that sped by her.

She felt as though every single one of them was watching her... and she wondered, as she looked off down the sidewalk, the wind gathering up her hair and biting at her cheeks, if he had eyes all over the city.

Wouldn't be much of a surprise...

But was she being watched now?

Did Alexander have reason to doubt her?

As far as he was concerned, Kate still didn't remember. And despite her lack of understanding of the behavior of her fellow detectives, somehow she knew they would not... what?

Report her?

Hand her over?

No... they wouldn't... and she could see that today, the look of horror cross both their faces when they realized where she was going.

Thinking about it now, as she turned back to her building, the look on their faces the utter despair and apology in their eyes was enough to tell her, that they were as trapped as she was.

Kate re-entered her apartment with new sentiment. They may not have a choice, but she did know, that with little encouragement, they would help her take back what was hers.

* * *

It was just before closing, and the tunnels seemed murkier than in the daytime, the florescence's of the lights cast more of a dark blue reflection on the floors. Illuminating and flickering off the aquatic life, and casting shadows amongst the ocean plants.

And it was quiet.

Silent over the hum of the filters and the flowing sea water within the tanks. It would be calming any other day, but she felt uneasy, her feet moving without sound, careful steps leading her down the tunnel.

But then something made her go for her gun, hand moving slowly to wrap around the handle at her hip. There was a disturbance in the tank to her right, and she pulled her piece from her hip holster, the weapon hugged tightly and protectively out in front of her as she continued to step cautiously.

Every now and then her eyes would dart to the glass on all sides of her, a school of fish speeding by giving her intel.

"Kate!" The sound of her name shattered through the air, reverberating in the tunnels and scattering the fish.

Her feet started running, legs propelling her down the long stretch of tunnels, her momentum echoing all around her as a scream gripped at her chest. And another followed right after, blood curdling despair for Kate.

Picking up her pace she rounded a corner until she found the source of such terror. But it was too late.

She was grabbed from behind, strong arms of her attacker wrapping around her middle and lifting her off the ground, trying to carry her out of the tunnels as she screamed and thrashed in their arms. Kicking and twisting in his grasp as Castle tried to break free from his own threat.

"Put. The Detective. _Down_!" Jordan Shaw's voice rang out, above everyone else, and the tunnels finally hushed into silence.

The attackers let Kate on her feet, but didn't let go, as Castle flung his arms out of the other man's grasp, both looking to Jordan with deflating relief, sagging where they stood.

"FBI! Let them go, you're surrounded." One of Jordan's men yelled, pointing his gun at Kate's assailant.

The tunnels filled with agents, encompassing them in a cocoon of protection, and they released Kate, who ran to Castle, flying into his waiting arms, as they crumbled to the floor.

"Sorry, I couldn't get here sooner." Jordan said, pushing her gun into the holster as her team handcuffed the men and led them out.

"Better late than never." Castle replied as he held Kate to his chest, refusing to let her go.


	26. Chapter 26

_**Chapter Twenty Six**_

She had a difficult time unlocking the door to her apartment. Castle's hand wrapped permanently around hers since Jordan escorted them out of the Aquarium and into her SUV. She had driven them here so Kate could pack some clothes. They'd be staying at the Shaw residence until they could end this...

If they could.

The word _if _had been thrown around a lot. Along with how much Jordan didn't know what they were dealing with. And that small amount of hope they had been holding since Kate called upon her, had dwindled down to nothing by the time they parked outside her apartment.

But Jordan was determined.

They had resources... man power and they would get to the bottom of this. But Kate...she had been sagging deeper into his arms. She couldn't see the light anymore until Jordan could show her just even a smidge amount of hope.

Now it was yet another waiting Game. And Kate couldn't keep feeding quarters in...She had nothing else to give.

Kate growled through her teeth when she dropped her keys, the metallic chink echoing down the silent hall, and it made her feel jumpy, eyes blinking shut forcefully at the sound as she just stood there for a moment looking down at them. Still feeling his hand warm and strong in hers.

Castle cupped her elbow when she went to get them, stilling her movements silently, and letting her hand go. But he trailed his fingers down her body as he bent, keeping that tangible connection between them until he pressed his chest at her back, unlocking the door.

Kate let her body fall back into him, let herself be guided by him as he turned the knob, arms around her body, and pushing open her door. He held her close, walking them into the middle of her apartment as she fell loose against him.

Emotionally tired... just... so tired.

"I'll help." He whispered into her ear, his breath brushing at her hair, tickling the side of her face.

She only nodded, tilting her face towards him a little more as he led her into her room turning on the light and sitting her down on her bed. She grabbed his hands when he turned to go to her dresser, gripping them tightly in her own shaking ones, and looked up at him with resigned eyes.

"What are we going to do?" She asked, eyes drifting to their hands as she thumped them on her thighs.

He rubbed his thumbs along her soft quivering skin, squeezing them as he spoke, "We're going to fight, Kate." He said, kneeling down in front of her. "We're going to find a way... we have Jordan now... we have the FBI on our side... _we _can do this..." He kissed her forehead, pressing his lips hard into the warmth as her hair fell to brush his nose, and he breathed her in. "We've got this." He whispered against her skin, he felt her nod, and take in a long breath before sighing.

"I knew there was a reason I couldn't forget you." She said, as he let her go, and moved to get some clothes out of her drawers.

He looked back at her quizzically , as she stood from the bed, moving to the bathroom door and turning to look back at him. She leaned on it, head tilted to rest against the frame, and a small smile spread. Miniscule, but it was there.

It was right there in her eyes.

"Because I love you so much." She said softly, before going into the bathroom, leaving the door open as she started collecting her toothbrush and other things she might need.

Kate smiled at herself in the mirror, now cleaned and wiped away of all evidence of her breakdown. And her grin spread wider across her face, a swelling in her heart, warm and freeing. It pushed away the weight that now cracked in two and it seeped out and away from her.

She knew she didn't love him for nothing. Only _he _could make her feel that way in the midst of a battle. And Kate now felt ready, to stand there beside him as they fought to keep what was theirs, however they would do it.

Her mind had been reeling. Seeking out all the options, and there was one... right in the back of her mind that she now brought forefront. Before she had not been sure if it would work... but maybe it was all she had. One last thing she could give away to perhaps have what Kate knew she finally deserved.

Her mom would want her to move on with her life and finally live it.

"Maybe..." She said, slowly turning from herself and standing in the doorway.

Castle stopped what he was doing, dropping a pair of her pants onto the bed, and looking at her. His brow creased at the look on her face... sad but decided, and he crossed the room, "what is it?" He asked, a hand at her cheek as her eyes fogged over.

despite her certainty.. she could not help but feel the loss already for her decision. "Maybe... I can...forget _her_." She whispered, her voice haunted as she came out of it, eyes locking with his.

"No, Kate." He said, shaking her a little. "I won't let you do that... I won't let you choose me over your mother." He was getting angry, holding her firmly in place as she began to shake her head.

"It's the _only _way...If I don't remember her... then... there is no case.." She persisted, pulling out of his grasp and going back into the bathroom.

She could see him behind her in the mirror, his jaw tensed as he shook his head at her, fists clenched as his sides. He looked down, away from her sharp green eyes that told him, she had made up her mind already.

"No." He said, taking a step towards her, but then he froze, gaze darting down to the floor before his eyebrows raised. "It's not the only way." He walked right up to her, eyes connecting for only a moment before he bent down, picked something up off the tile, and rose.

And when he was level with her again, both of them looked down, to the small thing between his thumb and index finger.

A pill.

* * *

They all gathered around her dining room table, Well, the three of them, and Agent Avery, as they waited for the rest of Kate's detached team to show up. She had both hands cupped around a steamy cup of coffee, and Castle sat close to her, shoulder pressed into hers, with one hand on her thigh as he lifted his cup to take a long drink.

Jordan stared at the tiny pill set in the middle of the table. It's innocent white coating quite deceitful to the unknown eye. But they all knew, as she picked it up, that it was much _more _than simple a pain medication.

It was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

It held the one thing that could wipe Castle free from Kate's life. Well maybe not the only thing. Other than this tiny memory detonator, there was one more key element in the entire process, and Kate let her hand drop from her coffee to push into her hair. She felt the scar from the incision she was not convinced was from a bump on the head when she slipped in the tub...

No.

It was more more than that. It was the flint to the fire that consumed her mind and snuffed out all traces of the man beside her.

But before she could point it out, the door buzzed, and Jordan looked to Avery, who went into the kitchen as she left to get the door.

Giving them their privacy for this reunion.

Castle gripped Kate's thigh tighter, and she let him remove her hand, still wove it in her hair, lacing their fingers together atop the table. They both watched as the crew entered, cautiously entering the FBI agents home.

And Kate realized... seeing them for the first time after everything... after coming to the conclusion that every last one of them were in this together from the start... She couldn't be mad... every last ounce of anger dissipated the moment she saw Lanie walk into the dining room.

Kate stood up from her chair dropping Castle's hand her eyes misting over when they locked with Lanie's. The women crossed the room towards each other without hesitation, and it was Lanie, who let the first tear slip for her eyes as she swept Kate into her arms.

"I'm so sorry." Lanie cried embracing Kate tightly, squeezing her hard against her, face in her hair as they both started to cry.

Kate couldn't say anything, the words choked on the lump in her throat, but she could hear Castle, who took Ryan into a hug, Ryan whispering his own apologies. Castle clapped the Irishmen on the back as Kate held Lanie at arms length, looking over at Esposito as he approached them wearily.

She gave them all a fixed look before she took Castle's hand, still holding Lanie close, and spoke from her heart. Where she knew the truth would always truly lie. "No. I get that you were trying to keep us safe." She told them, looking up at Castle with a soft smile.

"We know." Castle nodded, extending a hand to Espo, "S'okay we can get through this." He coaxed the stern detective, "Together." He added, and when he finally took his hand in a firm shake, Castle drew him into for a proper embrace.

When they parted, Espo cleared his throat uncomfortably, going to take a seat at the table, where Ryan followed. "What have we got?"

"Yeah." Lanie agreed, bumping Kate with her hip "Because I would really _love _to run Alexander down with my car."

They all chuckled as Jordan cleared her own throat and stepped in between the group holding the pill in the palm of her hand.

"Well," Kate said, cutting Jordan off as she went to explain what they had in mind. Kate looked to the Agent, who nodded her head to her.

"You have the floor detective."

Kate gave her a pursed lip smile before turning to Lanie. "That might just be what we have to do."

"Seriously?" Ryan asked.

"Yes... I don't think... that this little thing will do the trick.. not on its own." She said, plucking the capsule from Jordan's palm, who went to lean on the doorway, Avery behind her listening as Kate seemed to have formed more to their initial plan.

Lanie's eyebrows rose on a small intake of breath. "You're right...There was more too this whole thing then slipping you a pill..." She turned to the others who look mildly confused. "Thing is.. Alexander had a neurosurgeon start it off."

"Like... made an incision and did... what exactly?" Espo asked, and the others nodded, as Castle seemed to be working it out on his own.

"Scar tissue." Lanie said, as Kate let her fingers poke at the incision, walking backwards till she collided with Castle who she knew was there. "There is not much else I know about it... "Lanie said with a frown, crossing her arms. "But I did overhear them talking about it beforehand... something about..."

Castle leaped in, pushing against Kate in his excitement. "They injured the part of Kate's brain that holds memory, with damage already done.. it wouldn't take much... like a specifically designed serum hidden in a pain pill, to insinuate itself in the scar tissue, and corrupt the part of her brain that held selective memory." Castle's eyes are wide, that far off _I - just- found- the -killer _look, all over his face.

"Okaaay... if it wasn't for the fact that.. this whole thing happen.. I would say you've gone off the deepened...Castle." Ryan started. "_But_ seeing as...well... it _did_...that makes complete sense... but what does that have to do with running him over with Lanie's car?" Ryan finished.

"He needs to get in an accident. We need a reason for him to be in the hospital, so that the same procedure he had done on Kate, can be performed on him." Lanie said as the others caught on.

They all nodded but looked to Kate and Castle, his arms wrapped protectively around her middle as she pressed her back into him. "Do we have our own neurosurgeon?" Espo asked the question the two of them had also been wondering. And they both looked over at Jordan and Avery, who glanced at each other.

"We have our resources." Avery confirmed.

"So what does this mean?" Ryan asked, wanting the entire plan now drawn out, simplified.

"It means." Jordan piped in, pushing off the door frame and taking the pill from Kate again. "Alexander needs a taste of his own medicine."


	27. Chapter 27

_**Chapter Twenty Seven**_

The bed looked inviting and yet too foreign. Situated in the back spare room of Agent Jordan Shaw's home. Kate didn't know if it was because it was Jordan... or the situation or just the fact that it was not her own.

But at the moment, a fold out couch would look just as comfortable, though she really just wanted to curl up in her own bed or his. Let herself drift into a peaceful sleep in his arms. Guarded by his embrace, the feel of his strong, warm body wrapped around hers.

This would suffice, she thought, yawning into her hand as they pulled down the covers on either side. Because at least he was here with her.

"You going to be okay with this?" Kate asked as he fluffed his pillow. She could see how deep in thought he was.. the thrill of the mission now seeping away with the adrenaline, and he sagged a little in the shoulders.

He was tired. They were all tired. Every last one of them had yawned into the air between them before they left. But at least they weren't all defeated, lax from being beat down by forces unknown.

Because they had all risen together to find a solution.

Castle stopped, squishing his pillow between his hands. "I don't really have any other option do I?" He said, forcing the softness even though his jaw tensed a little. He threw the pillow onto the bed where he'd be sleeping, and looked up at Kate, who was peering down, thumbing the sheet between her fingers. "I'll be fine...it's _her _I'm worried about." He then said softly, turning to the bathroom adjoining their room.

Kate walked around the bed, wrapping her hand around his arm to stop him. "She'll be alright, she has backup and we'll be listening." She tried to sooth.

He nodded his head, and kissed her softly before going into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

She slipped out of her jeans, pulling on a pair of pj's and remove her shirt, pulling her camisole down over her stomach, which was fluttering nervously. Kate heard the water turn on in the bathroom, and stared at the door for a moment, as if willing her own strength through the gap between them... She didn't know who would need it more in the next few days.

At this point they shared a lot of the grief... a lot of the pain...it was only fitting to share in the strength.

They were linked, always had been. She could feel it all around her. That cosmic pull that kept them together despite everything.

Kate got under the covers, her back to the door as she stared out the window into the night. And she wondered, as New York City went on breathing as if nothing was happening, if the events they had concocted would play out as easily as it sounded in her head.

But she let the thoughts drift momentarily from her mind when she heard the door open, smelling the toothpaste and just him as he entered the bedroom, and got into bed beside her.

Castle smooth his arm up her back, cupping her shoulder. "Kate?" He asked softly, and she turned her head just a little.

"Hmm?" She asked, not turning over.

"Nothing." He said with a relaxed sigh. "Just seeing if you were awake."

Kate answered by pushing into his hand, and he rubbed her back feeling her own sigh escaping as her body relaxed into his touch.

"My mom used to do this for me." Kate whispered into the darkness after he turned out the light. She felt the dip in the bed, and the the warmth reentering her little quiet bubble. His hand continuing to rub up and down in her back. "I would crawl into their bed after a nightmare..." She fixed her hand under her cheek. "Soothing the monsters away...it always seemed to help."

The warmth of his breath at her neck, and the slow, reassuring circles he scrawled into her back was answer enough. She didn't need anything else. Just him here with her before they put their plan into action.

She worked out every last detail in her mind, how it would start, and end...there were no kinks in the plan... no plot holes that she could think of. And she wondered, as her body became heavy, all other sounds slipping from her notice, just the feel of him beside her, if it was just _too_ easy.

* * *

The smell of a well seasoned roast filled the loft as she closed the oven door after checking on it. The heat had blasted her, and now, as she walked away from the source, she gripped both her arms as a series of goosebumps overtook her.

She wasn't so much cold as she was deeply nervous, and it showed for the time being as she meandered the empty loft, pouring herself a generous amount of wine, hand shaking as she tipped the bottle. The sound of the red liquid entering the cup seemed to echo throughout her environment. And she felt utterly alone... exposed and unprotected even though she knew otherwise.

She was aware of everything... the glass in her hand, the smell of dinner, even how it tasted, mixed with the wine, and she had to stop herself from gulping down the alcohol and pouring herself another.

But she needed to stay sharp.

Everything depended on this performance. And just like every other moment before she'd step out onto the stage, she felt the oncoming tremors of nerves. She shook with them, felt sick to her stomach, but just like all the past performances...she would compose herself.

After all... it was an act. And she'd prided herself on being able to act the opposite of how she was feeling...She had to tell herself that this was no different.

We all slip into a roles we must play, even if it meant compromising oneself to do so. She had to hide her true feelings to make amends for the past deeds she had done to get here, even if it wasn't known to her at the time.

She nearly dropped her half empty glass of wine when the doorbell rang. And she set it down, pushing it alone the counter top to give herself just a little bit longer to slip into her role. But the doorbell ringing again sped up the process.

With her new persona well in place, she walked, heels clicking along the floor, coinciding with the harsh beats of her own heart, she opened the door.

"Alexander, Darling." She greeted, all open arms and jingling jewelry as she let him gather her up in an all too familiar embrace that delved too deep and too sensitively into the past she had tried so hard to keep hidden away.

It played out where he couldn't see, and vanished when he held her at arms length, his piercing blue eyes sending a sharp pain in her semi melded heart. "We have much to discuss." He said, letting her arms go, sliding his fingers the length of them before stepping around her and into the loft. "Our son has made quite the reputation for himself." He said, turning on the spot as he took in everything that Castle owned.

Martha scoffed, mumbling "_my_ son," under her breath as she passed him to check on dinner. "I would say it was more than that... He's _more _than just his books you know." She defended, not even looking over at him as he picked up a laser tag gun leaning up against the couch. He looked at it strangling, shifting it around in his hand as he pointed it randomly.

"I'm sure he is, but the persona he plays on page six doesn't paint more than a famous author gallivanting around with the NYPD pretending to be a cop." He said as the sound of the toy going off echoed throughout the loft, and he laughed in a condescending sort of way as he turned towards her as she shut the oven door.

Martha placed the roast down on a dish towel, and glared at him across the room, "Who do you think got him there?" She accused, hand on her hip still holding an oven mit.

"I helped get him to the top, not make a fool of himself." Alexander replied cooly. But his tense jaw gave him away, a dark menacing flash in his eyes that reminded her who she was dealing with. He wasn't just the father of her son. And if pushed... he would do something drastically that she knew he was capable of.

Current events spoke volumes. She didn't want to know what else could happen... perhaps far more extreme...

Which was terrifying.

Martha sighed, not so much in defeat, but more of trying to drop the touchy subject and move on. "dinner is ready." she said, and watched as his demeanor changed and he went to the table.

"Want me to to help with the plates?" He asked, but then noticed that everything was already laid out, and instead made a point of lighting the candle in the center of their two place settings.

"Wine?" She asked, setting a plate in front of him as he fanned a napkin over his lap. Always the gentleman.. neat... tidy Alexander that took care of business in a calm fashionable manner.

That was also terrifying.

It made him more dangerous and unpredictable. But Martha could be just as spontaneous, just as cool and collect even though her heart beat erratically against her ribcage as she opened a new bottle, and poured his wine when he gave her the nod of approval.

"You really outdid yourself " He said as he took a bite and she found her place across from him.

She smiled appreciatively at him over the flickering candle, even though she knew she had not made dinner. Her son had set everything up. Him and Kate teaming up and putting the plan into action as they bobbed around the kitchen. Making everything just so. Alexander had no idea she wasn't a very good cook, because they had only shared one night together, everything else was a mystery. The menial things that were supposed to make all the difference was lost on him.

It proved more than helpful in this situation.

He didn't know her habits. He tells, nor her cues. He merely followed her example, reaching for his wine after she tipped hers to her lips. And she watched over the rim with satisfied eyes, as he took his first sip. His attention was on the heavenly taste, not on her as she let the glass fall from her mouth without tasting it herself, and set it back down.

"I must do something about this, you know." He said, licking the crimson liquid from his lips absently as he replaced the glass with a fork.

Martha's face twisted in genuine agony, a look of pure pleading in her eyes as she abandoned her plate and stared him down. "Please." Was all she said. She didn't need to say more.

It's all there was left.

He shook his head, more so at the dazed look that flashed in his eyes, and he blinked a few times to ward it off. "Strong stuff." He said briefly before finding his footing and staring right back at her.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She said with a shrug, a teasing smile on her lips, and he chuckled raising his glass to hers for another sip.

"Back to business." He said after another taste. "I realize his affections for her my dear.. I do.. but I'm going to have to take more drastic measures on this matter...I've done all I can to keep them both safe. But you and I both know it's out of my hands." He furthered the point by raising both his hands, palms up.

"Surely there is some leverage given your position." She coaxed, even though she knew it was futile.

"I am merely a pawn in their endeavor." He said sadly, pitching the sob story of how he himself had no choice. He was stuck just as they all were.. and she didn't want to take the bait.

The naive nineteen year old Martha surfaced for only a moment. Her heart sinking in her chest with dread and longing. Wishing she could do more. Wishing the circumstances were much much different.

But reality came back and slapped her in the face as he blinked a few more times, eyes drooping with tiredness, or something else. "It's out of my hands." He said again, taking another bite and she realized that he had finished his dinner and was wiping his mouth with a napkin.

"What are you going to do?" She asked, standing up with him, desperation rising over the lump in her throat and she choked on her next words. Fearful that they would come true if the next few moments didn't play out properly. "Kill her?" She asked.

"It wouldn't be by my own hand." He said almost sadly. But she didn't buy it. Not for a second. "Dinner was lovely." He then said, as if he didn't just utter Kate's death sentence. "And Martha." He added, as he opened the door to leave. "Be sure to keep Richard out of the way."

She merely nodded with a pursed lip smile, watching as he closed to door behind him. And as she heard the elevator ding down the hallway to take him to the ground floor and out onto the dangerous streets of New York, she gripped at her shirt, pulling at the wires taped to her chest.

A few moments later, not realizing she hadn't moved static filled her ears and then, "We have him in our sights." Agent Shaw's voice filtered in through the earpiece before Martha hears the screeching of car tires.

* * *

**One more chapter guys**


	28. Chapter 28

**I'd like to thank my lovely muse kimmiesjoy for well... being my muse :D For being my sounding board/editor and who I whine too when I get frustrated lol.  
**

**Last chapter guys, enjoy.**_**  
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* * *

_**Chapter Twenty Eight**_

Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest as she crossed the street, a taxi stopping as her quick feet brought her along the cross walk, headlights blaring in her face until she reached the other end, cloaked in semi darkness. When she got there, her hand wrapping around a sign, she peered down the shadowed sidewalk towards a particular building.

A man stepped out, tugging his pea coat up around his ears as he looked for a taxi. The cold metal seeped through her skin at the sight of him, flowing through her veins and froze her heart in terror for only a moment.

But he didn't see her, and when no taxi stopped for him, he decided to go on foot. He started walking towards her, his shoulders held back and head high, his hands went into his pockets and she could hear him as he started to whistle.

It sounded eerily, even in its cheerfulness. The rise and pang of the tune as it echoed down the sidewalk. And she found it purely ironic as she checked her watch, and mouthed the words backing into the alley.

"He said son can you play me a memory." She whispered into the darkness. Answered by his whistle, and tapping of his feet as he drew closer. "I'm not really sure how it goes."

"But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger mans clothes." He abandoned the whistling, mumbling the lyrics into the darkness as she stepped out of the alley. "Annabelle?" He asked, stopping in his tracks.

"Sir." Was all she said, her voice quiet and shy as she looked down at her hands, still feeling the chill etched in her palms, and she shivered.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, placing a light hand on her arm.

She tried not to shake herself loose as she looked up at him, over his shoulder at a car that rounded the corner, it's headlights aiming past them as another car lit them up from behind.

"It's Kate Beckett." She said, finding the strength in her voice, rising above the excitable thump of her heartbeat.

"What about her?" He asked, "We've already been over this Annabelle." He sounded angry for once, brushing past her on his way to cross the street to go home.. or to his office she was not quite sure.

She stopped him, grabbing for the sleeve of his coat, swinging him around to face her as the headlights approaching blinded him. "But Sir." She pleaded, just as he continued to take a step, but she held firm, one of his feet stepping off the curb.

But he wasn't hearing any of it and the words died on his lips as a deafening screech filled the streets of New York City, and a brilliant flash followed by a horn blaring overrode the finale words of his indifference..

She knew what it was going to be, she didn't need to hear it to know that no matter what anyone else did, the deed would be carried out.

But what he hadn't expected, with their plan of Kate Beckett's demise weighing on his mind, was a car speeding down the street. And as Annabelle let go of his sleeve, the weight of his body being held back sent him suddenly forward just as the car went for it's breaks.

Too Late

Alexander flew into the path of the oncoming vehicle, slammed just as the car finally came to a stop, and pushed him several feet down the road. His face met the pavement, and he crumbled into a heap in front of the headlights.

Annabelle ran, kneeling down beside him just as a police car pulled up to the scene having been going through a green light at the intersection, and two cops jumped out.

"Check for a pulse." One said to the other. The younger one, bent down beside her, his blue eyes catching in hers for only a moment before he pressed two fingers to Alexander's neck.

"Barely." He said, to the other, who took his wocky from his belt to call dispatch, his badge reflected in the headlights, hanging from a chain around his neck as he turned to the car.

"Is he going to be okay?" Annabelle asked as she and the other one stood.

"We won't know until the ambulance gets here...he looked like he was hit pretty hard. There might be internal bleeding." He paused for a moment, looking at her with a spark in his eyes. "He may need surgery."

* * *

The sound of the heart monitors filled the otherwise quiet room. He laid still, eyes closed, arms above the hospital sheets connected to various tubes and machines. He looked smaller, paler.. dead even, if it wasn't for the machines keeping him stable, alive.

She watched, from her place outside the room, looking on through the window as the hospital buzzed behind her. She felt it fitting, having standing here months later, looking in on the same room only holding a different occupant.

One more deserving than the one before it.

And she looked on, arms crossed over her scrubs, tapping her foot on the tile floor as she waited for the one thing everyone else was surely anticipating. But it wasn't too long after his surgery that she was handed his chart, and hugged it to her chest as she made her way into his room, pausing with her hand on the knob before going inside.

A young redhead stood from a chair in the corner of the room. Her eyes staring into her own so piercing and hopeful, pleading.

Her stirred in his bed with a groan and they both turned to him, his eyes fluttering open and then darting about the room. "Where am I?" He asked, before his eyes locked on the redhead. "Annabelle, What happened?"

"You walked in front of a car, sir." She said. "I tried to stop you..." she trailed off, going over to his bed but staying a few feet away.

"I did?" He asked confused before he found the Doctor.

"I'm Dr. Parish." She said, letting the chart fall over her arms so she could peer at it. "You're pretty lucky." She started, flipping a page up on the chart. "You got hit pretty hard, experienced a blow to the head with minor bleeding, a few broken ribs, and other then some scrapes and bruising, you should make a full recovery." She said, before turning away.

"I'm so sorry." Annabelle said, finally moving closer to his bed.

Lanie stopped briefly outside the door, writing a few notes on the chart as Annabelle kept talking.

"I shouldn't have brought _her_.. up."

"What exactly happened." He asked, trying to sit up in bed, but he cringed and melted back into his pillows. "Bring who up?"

"Kate Beckett, sir." She reminded him.

Alexander furrowed his brows, rubbing at his forehead in frustration as he pushed his hand into his hair, "Who's Kate Beckett?"

* * *

It was quiet aside from Jordan's low voice in the other room as she paced while talking on the phone to some unknown source. They had been waiting together...a suspenseful tension in the air.

Hope rising and falling with every passing minute.

The two of them sat on the couch, Kate was leaning into his shoulder, his arm around her as he caressed her arm. He was quiet, but she felt the tension in his shoulder as he most likely thought the whole thing out, one part at a time until he reached the end result, both hoping it worked out.

Kate was waiting for the moment when she could let her guard down. Let that wall crumble so she could set her heart free. In the meantime, she just breathed, her hand resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat against her palm, and wondered how much longer until _his _no longer beat as strongly.

It would mean more than she could fathom at the moment. She would be free to live her life as she wanted. And all she wanted was Castle. The only thing that mattered to her was him.

She no longer felt like a failure. That she was letting her mom down, because Kate knew that her mom would be proud of her for choosing to finally live the life she deserved. It was getting to feel that full relief that was pulling at her. The suspense was becoming too much, and he must have felt it too, tugging her in tighter and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"It'll all be over soon... and we can begin again." He soothed. Kate sighed into him, lifting her head so she could look into the certainty in his eyes, see the utter truth in those blue depths.

She wanted so desperately to believe him. But there was still something nagging at her. "How do we know this will be enough?" Kate asked after a beat. Voicing the terror of what would happen if it wasn't. It had been building in her mind since they made this plan, and she couldn't shake it.

Jordan appeared in the doorway, hand over the receiver as she looked at Kate. "It's _them._" She said.

Kate and Castle sat up on the couch, looking back at the FBI Agent who was as shocked as they were. _Who? _Kate wanted to ask but even after all of this she knew she wasn't going to get a straight answer. It was beside the point.

"What do they want?" Castle asked instead, gripping Kate's hand in his.

Agent Avery entered behind her, walking around her to address them, his hand at his ear as he listened in on Jordan's conversation with the unknown. "Confirmation." He said, looking over at Jordan, who was seemingly waiting them out. As if everything from this moment on weighed on Kate.

"We let them know he's alive... but they need assurances." He then said as if hearing that exact request because Jordan followed up by removing her hand from the receiver.

"It's been confirmed." She said into the phone. "Yes it did take... who?" She then stated more than asked as she stared right at Kate. "Kate Beckett." And winked at her. "You will find it in your best interest to stand down...I have several copies of the files in my possession, and I have no reservations of using them to our advantage." She stopped for a beat, taking her lip between her teeth, that devilish spark in her eye as she nodded once, and locked eyes with Kate again. "Detective Katherine Beckett has friends too... and you know what we are capable of."

There was a long pause, everyone watching as Jordan Shaw let that threat hang in the air. And then she nodded to Avery, who dropped his hand from his ear and picked up his own phone.

Jordan smiled, straightening her shoulders even more before she spoke with utter authority, "I hope you understand the message." Jordan said and ended the call.

Castle stood up from the couch, taking Kate with him by the hand and they stood before the Agent, as she smiled upon them. "I take it they got the message." He said.

"Loud and clear."

Both gasped, turning towards one another. Long heartfelt declarations with no words divulged in a silent stare. A lingering subtext hidden in the rivers blue which flowed so freely in a forest of green.

It had started with a whisper.

Stolen kisses in the night.

And as Kate stood now before him, A memory, a person, forgotten and remembered...  
The ache and pain freeing from her body, she knew that she would never deny her heart for that which it truly desired.

She flung her arms around him in hopeless abandon, holding him close, knowing she'd never lose him again.

* * *

THE END

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